Parenting with your ex-partner

Communicating with your former partner 

Even though your relationship as partners is over, you’ll still need to maintain your relationship as co-parents and children benefit when this relationship is co-operative and has minimal conflict. The nature of your relationship may change from being intimate to more businesslike. Features of intimate and businesslike relationships are outlined below: 

Intimate relationship 

• Many assumptions 
• Many unwritten and unspoken expectations  
• Emotional and personal involvement 
• Sharing of personal experiences 
• Not much privacy. 

Businesslike relationship 

• No assumptions 
• Explicit agreements or contracts 
• Formal courtesies, structured interactions, meetings, specific agendas 
• Very little sharing of personal experiences 
• A lot of privacy. 

Moving to a more businesslike relationship helps you to communicate with your former partner without getting caught up in old battles. Many people report that it feels strange at first, but limiting your discussion to child related issues does help and will become more comfortable over time. 

Being ‘businesslike’ with your former partner 

• Keep all communication with your former partner brief and focused on child related issues. If you cannot talk to each other, try communicating in writing. Be clear and specific about what the issues are (if any). 
• Never communicate with the other parent through the child. Even if it’s a relatively insignificant message. This puts the child in the middle − a deeply uncomfortable place for a child who loves both of their parents. 
• Do not let relationship issues creep into the discussion. If your former partner cannot keep old relationship disagreements out of the conversation, suggest resuming the discussion later. 
• Do not fuel the other parent’s anger. Remain calm and unemotional. 
• State problems with possible solutions for quick resolution. 
• Be courteous and respectful of the other parent, even if you feel she/he does not deserve it. 
• Focus on the best interests of your children and their needs when you’re discussing problems and strategies relating to them. 
• Avoid blaming yourself or the other person for what has happened in the relationship in the past. Stay in the present. 
• Do not expect appreciation or praise from the other parent. 
• Be careful to act like a guest when in the other parent’s home (it’s very confusing for the child if you don’t). 

Conflict 

• How do you ‘deal with’ or ‘manage and resolve’ conflict with your former partner? 
• What happens if you don’t manage conflict? 
• How does conflict affect your child(ren)? 
• The Courts can only decide ‘what is best for the children’ based on evidence, they cannot make an assessment on relationship problems or determine who is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. 
• It can be difficult to predict a Judge’s decision, as each is influenced by different ideas and experiences. 

Managing anger during conflict 

Awareness of impending anger can be obtained through attending to your bodily cues. For example, common cues leading up to anger include raised voices, feelings of tension in hands or stomach, changed breathing or other physiological signs.  

Once you’ve noticed the warning signs that you’re becoming angry, it’s best to suggest resuming the conversation at another time. It’s also suggested that you monitor your mood changes. For instance, tiredness, moodiness, increased sensitivity to small things, etc.  

If you notice anger building, it’s best to take preventative measures to avoid conflict. Daily physical activity can help reduce tension. Getting enough sleep has a positive effect on your overall mood and so does a healthy and nutritious diet. 

How to stop the fighting 

• Allow the strong angry feelings and thoughts to emerge. 
• Keep calm on the outside (and inside if possible). 
• Actively listen and be fully attentive, but avoid absorbing what may feel personalised, or what you hear as criticism. 
• Treat the other person with consideration by providing space and time, and by paying attention to your choice of words, tone and body language. 
• Avoid responding aggressively or defensively e.g., by using ‘put downs’ or single-minded arguments. 
• Be patient and listen long and deeply enough to understand the other side. Offer empathic reflection; this not only calms things down, but it also encourages the other party to reciprocate. 
• When the emotions have subsided, check if collaborative solution building or problem solving is possible. 
• State your position of what you can and cannot do. 

Some key principles 

• Expect the best, prepare for the worst. 
• Know your vulnerable points, triggers or ‘buttons’ (your own and those of others). 
• Focus on what you can control (your emotion, behaviours and actions). 
• Prepare and try a different approach. 
• Notice changes while talking. 
• Unless anger and past hurt is under reasonable control, the skills and language of conflict can be hard to engage effectively. 
• Create an intention to be different and reduce the level and intensity of conflict. 
• Understand the person, without accepting negative behaviour. 
• Focus on the message of what your former partner says to you. 

Strategies to use once conflict has started 

• Take notice and recognise what’s happening. 
• Make a note in your mind’s eye by saying to yourself ‘this is not helpful.’ 
• Tell the person that the conflict is getting out of hand and some time out would be useful. 
• Tell the person you’ll walk away and resume the conversation when things have calmed down, but you’re unable to continue talking now. 
• Find a space where you can reduce anger by doing slow deep breathing exercises or ‘self talk’ about effects of the continued arguing. 
• Once you’re feeling calmer, say something to reconnect or reach out, but don’t expect or demand a response. 
• If the reaching out is not accepted, be patient. The other person may still be angry and need more time. 
• If the reaching out is accepted, then start talking in a civil way. 
• Go back over the issue if it’s important to, if not let it go. Not all conflict needs resolution or compromise. 

Communication styles 

There are three main communication styles. They are: 

Aggressive: defending and getting back (win/lose) 

Accommodating/passive: intentionally not fighting or escalating conflict (lose/win) 

Assertive: a fair combination of each and varying degrees (win/win – but with some compromise). 

Aggressive communication 

Is characterised by the loud expression of views at the expense, degradation, or humiliation of another. It Involves being emotionally or physically forceful and not allowing the views of others to surface.  

This communication style can be angry and/or revengeful and may result in you feeling self-righteous or superior at the time. Though, once you calm down, you may feel guilty. 

Accommodating/passive communication 

To avoid confrontation, one ‘gives in’ but often, later, feels unhappy and guilty. It can be intentional and useful (if used to withdraw and wait for calm), but it can also be linked to a fear of confrontation. 

Assertive communication 

Direct, open and honest communication. It involves the ability to express yourself and your views without dismissing the other person’s views. When communicating assertively, you’re more likely to be aware that you have the right to tell others how you wish to be treated. This communication style tends to rest heavily on ‘I’ statements rather than accusatory ‘you’ statements. 

Still need help? 

Anglicare Southern Queensland works with families to overcome challenges and focus on living healthy and fulfilled lives. Some of our programs include couples counselling, family counselling and post-separation parenting courses. To find out more, please visit our Family and Relationship Counselling page.