In this article we will explore addiction. Are you concerned that you may be addicted to drugs or alcohol? Or, is someone you care about addicted?
Have you ever found yourself wondering “Do I have a drug problem?” or “Am I an alcoholic?” Has someone close to you asked you about your drinking or substance use, and said they’re worried about you? Or are you concerned that someone you care about is dependent on alcohol, tobacco or other drugs?
What steps can you take to combat addiction?
No one ever intends on becoming dependent upon alcohol, tobacco or other drugs. Drug dependence (which is another word for addiction) almost always creeps up on someone insidiously. If you’re addicted or dependent on alcohol or other drugs, there are steps that you can take. The first step is to change your awareness, and then acceptance that you may have a problem.
Questions to ask yourself to understand if you have an addiction
Think about the substance you use (alcohol, tobacco or other drugs) and answer the following questions by choosing yes or no. If you use more than once substance, complete the questions for only one substance at a time and think abut your use over the last 12 months.
Question 1:
Have you needed to use a lot more of the substance to get the effect you wanted? Or have you found that the effect you get from the same amount has become a lot less than before?
YES/NO
Question 2:
Have you become sick or suffered from withdrawals when you had to reduce or stop your use of the substance? Or have you used the substance or other similar substances to stop the withdrawals or stop you from feeling sick?
YES/NO
Question 3:
Have you taken the substance in larger amounts or over a longer period of time than you planned or really wanted?
YES/NO
Question 4:
Have you often wanted to cut down or control your use of the substance? Or have you been unsuccessful in your attempts to cut down or control your use of the substance?
YES/NO
Question 5:
Have you spent a great deal of time in activities necessary for you to obtain the substance (e.g. doctor shopping, driving long distances)? Or have you spent a great deal of time using the substance (e.g. chain smoking, day/night sessions), or recovering from the effects of the substance (e.g. taking a sick day, feeling written off)?
YES/NO
Question 6:
Have you given up or reduced important social activities (e.g. being with friends and family, jobs, hobbies, sports) because of your use of the substance?
YES/NO
Question 7:
Have you continued to use the substance despite physical, social and psychological problems caused by your substance use (e.g. hepatitis, ulcers, stress, depression or other illness)?
YES/NO
Results:
If you answered yes to three or more of the above questions (within the same twelve months) you are probably dependent on the substance you are using and may need help to detox (DSM-IV-TR, American Psychiatric Association, 2000).
Learn more about alcohol and other drugs
If you’d like to learn more about alcohol and other drugs, take a look at the pages below.
Anglicare Southern Queensland offers a range of alcohol and other drug support programs to help people with addiction or to manage their use of alcohol and other drugs. Our programs include:
Adolescent relationships are different to when your young one is a child. When your child becomes a teenager, your relationship with them may change. You could find yourself switching from a relatively simple parenting style to focusing on a new parent-adolescent relationship.
Developmentally, teenagers experience changes to their physical, emotional and mental state of being. They may begin the process of separation from their parents.
As adolescents mature, they experience:
an increased need for autonomy
a desire for more privacy
a greater investment in their peers
a need to try on different identities
huge physiological changes.
While they experience these factors, parents may experience their own developmental crisis. It’s not uncommon for parents to start asking themselves questions about what happened to the child they once knew. Parents may also try to take control of situations to make their child respond to them in ways they used to.
If this is something that you’re experiencing, it’s best to prepare yourself for a different style of communication with your teenager. Despite their increased need for distance and independence, there are ways that you can encourage quality interactions with them. Here’s some information to help you build a healthy parent-adolescent relationship with your teenager.
Rules of thumb for adolescent relationships
Focus on the relationship between you and your adolescent, not the problems you might be experiencing
Learn to respond to situations rather than reacting (especially abruptly)
Remember that how you respond to mistakes or situations is important for learning.
Reflective responding
This is a way of following, rather than leading. Verbally reflect behaviours, thoughts, needs/ wishes and feelings, without asking questions. This will help you understand your teenager and help them to feel understood by you.
Reflective responding in practice
Look into your teenager’s eyes for clues to understand what they might be feeling, and then put the word you believe they’re feeling into a short response (this generally starts with ‘you’). For instance, it could be, “you seem sad,” or “you seem mad with me.” Your facial expression and tone of voice should match the body language of your child. Empathy is generally conveyed best through non-verbal communication cues.
If this communication style is vastly different from your usual way of communicating with your teenager, they might notice it. If they ask you to communicate as you normally would, you could respond by saying something like, “this is my way of letting you know that I’ve heard what you’ve said and to give you a chance to correct me if I’ve heard wrong.”
Often, the anger of an adolescent can seem exaggerated and prolonged. This is usually their way of trying to communicate their feelings. If you respond by acknowledging them and reflecting empathy, they’ll be less likely to feel the need to communicate in this way.
Remember to model adult behaviour when there’s conflict between you and your teenager. Don’t yell, threaten or preach to them if you don’t like the way they’re interacting with you. Doing so is ineffective and will teach them that it’s acceptable to communicate this way.
Setting limits for good adolescent relationships
Even though your parenting style may need to change to focus on your new parent-adolescent relationship, you’ll still need to set limits on behaviours that make you feel uncomfortable. You might use the three-step A.C.T. method of limit setting:
Acknowledge the adolescent’s feeling or desire (convey empathy and understanding with your voice)
For instance: “Ben, I know you’re angry with me…”
He learns that his feelings, desires, and wishes are valid and accepted by his parent. Often just empathically reflecting feelings can defuse intensity.
Communicate the limit (be specific, clear and brief)
“…but yelling is not appropriate.”
While feelings and desires are accepted, not all behaviours are.
Target acceptable alternatives (provide a few choices)
“How about you go play some basketball and burn off your energy. We can talk about it later when we’re both calm.”
The goal here is to provide him with an acceptable outlet for expressing the feeling or original action, while giving him an opportunity to exercise self-control.
How to set limits
Limits should not be punitive and should be stated firmly (but calmly and matter-of-factly). Don’t try to force them to obey the limit. Remember to provide an acceptable alternative. In this method, it’s up to the adolescent to decide to accept or break the limit; however, it’s your job to consistently enforce the limit.
Providing children and adolescents with consistent limits helps them to feel safe and secure. This method of limiting children’s behaviour teaches them self-control and responsibility for their own behaviour by allowing them to experience the consequences of their choices and decisions.
Consistent limits → Predictable, safe environment → Sense of security
When you don’t follow through, you lose credibility and harm your relationship with your child.
Consequences with adolescent relationships
Some of the negative consequences of enforcing limits can be eliminated by engaging your teenager in the process of limit setting and assigning potential consequences, before the limits are tested.
When parents include their teenagers in limit setting and the establishment of consequences, it reduces arguments and the need to enforce punishments. Teenagers are also less likely to claim that their punishments or expectations are unfair. As parents, you can take on your responsibility of calmly enforcing pre-arranged consequences, instead of scrambling to find appropriate punishments.
Above all, it’s important that your influence depends on your relationship with your child. It shouldn’t have anything to do with power, especially because you can’t ‘make’ your child do anything during this stage of their life. Thus, you shouldn’t make threats, lose your temper or try to punish your teenager. Doing so could lead to greater rebellion on their part as they’ll try to assert their independence.
It’s important for you to let your child know that you love them and trust them to do the right thing, and that they can achieve your respect when they do the right thing.
Still need help?
Anglicare Southern Queensland provides a range of services and support for families and parents of teenagers. If you would like to learn more about what support is available for you and your children, please visit our Family Support webpage.
Fear and anxiety play an important part in our lives. Fear helps us avoid danger in our immediate environment. Have you ever jumped out of the street to avoid a car that was unexpectedly rushing toward you? Or run away from an animal with a menacing growl? The sudden burst of fear that you experienced allowed you to react immediately. Anxiety helps us to anticipate and prepare for important events in the future.
What is anxiety?
Fear and anxiety play an important role in our lives.
Fear helps us avoid encountering danger in our immediate environment. Have you ever jumped off the road to avoid a car that was unexpectedly rushing towards you, or ran away from an animal with a menacing growl? If you have, you might remember the sudden burst of fear that you experienced, causing you to react immediately to that situation.
Anxiety helps us to anticipate and prepare for important events in the future. Again, if you can think back to the first time you called someone, spoke up in class or gave a performance, you might remember that your heart was pounding, mouth was dry and that you were breathing faster or shaking. These are some physical symptoms of anxiety. Feeling anxious may be unpleasant, but it’s usually adaptive. We’d have trouble organising our lives if it didn’t exist.
Unfortunately, anxiety can be disruptive, causing us to worry too much and feeling afraid at inconvenient times.
Common symptoms of anxiety
Some of the most common symptoms people experience with anxiety include:
Being preoccupied with thoughts or situations that provoke fear or anxiety
Constantly avoiding situations that might trigger anxiety
Feeling a sense of being out of control
Focusing on negative emotions and self-evaluation
Sleeping difficulties and trouble falling asleep
Inability to relax
Excessive shyness
Trouble with concentrating and paying attention
Problems with work, social or family life.
Anxiety disorders
If you frequently experience high levels of anxiety that affects your ability to function, you may have an anxiety disorder. Anxiety disorders are the most common form of mental disorder. Some types of anxiety disorders include:
Panic attacks: A short period of time where you experience intense fear or terror and a feeling of impending doom. Symptoms include shortness of breath, heart palpitations, chest pain or discomfort. Other symptoms include feelings of choking, inability to breathe, fear of ‘going crazy’ or losing control.
Agoraphobia: Anxiety about places where escape might be difficult or embarrassing. Fear of being in places where help might not be available if you have a panic attack. Avoidance of these places.
Specific phobia: Intense fear of a specific object or situation. Other people may think this fear is out of proportion. It often leads to avoidance of the object or situation.
Social phobia: Severe anxiety provoked by certain types of social or performance situations which are then frequently avoided.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder: Experiencing obsessions (unwanted/uncontrollable thoughts) which cause anxiety or distress. Also experiencing compulsions, or behaviours which are aimed at getting rid of anxiety.
Post-traumatic stress disorder: Re-experiencing a traumatic event, which then causes symptoms of fear and anxiety. Strong urge to avoid things which remind you of the trauma.
Generalized anxiety disorder: Persistent and excessive fear or worry which lasts for longer than six months.
Other issues
Symptoms from various anxiety disorders can overlap, and they can also overlap with other mood disorders like depression. This means that people who experience anxiety can also experience depression.
Substance use is a common issue for many people who experience an anxiety disorder. The problem with using alcohol or other drugs as an attempt to reduce anxiety is that it can cause further long-term complications for the user.
What causes it?
As previously explained, anxiety is a survival mechanism. It becomes an issue when it fails to serve a purpose for people and presents itself in dysfunctional ways.
When fear is triggered at inappropriate times, or we feel it more strongly than necessary, it can become harmful and unhelpful. Some factors are thought to contribute to anxiety turning from a helpful response to an exaggerated and harmful one, like:
Stressful life events: When something happens to you, or around you, that has a severe and negative impact.
Childhood adversity: Past experiences involving danger or conflict can form the basis for the development of an anxiety disorder. Such as neglectful parenting or physical abuse.
Learning processes: Specific fears can be learned through various processes (i.e. classical conditioning). This is when we start to associate danger with a particular event or situation. We can also pick up anxiety, fear or nervousness by watching someone else become nervous, which is called vicarious learning. Operant conditioning is another example where certain behaviours (like avoiding a trigger) are rewarded (by not experiencing it). Thus, the behaviour increases.
The way you think: Certain thought processes can contribute to it. For example, how much control you perceive you have over a situation, or when you misinterpret events and symptoms. The amount of attention you pay to potential threats can have an impact on your anxiety. So can trying to suppress your thoughts about it.
Genetic factors: There’s been a lot of research into whether it’s genetic and most research points to it playing a role. People who have a family member with an anxiety disorder are more likely to develop certain anxiety disorders.
Brain structure: There are parts of the brain that have important roles in the development of anxiety. Encoding threatening events (the hippocampus) and emotional memories (the amygdala) both play a part.
Brain chemistry: Chemicals in the brain are also a major factor. You may have heard the phrase ‘chemical imbalance.’ This can play a role in anxiety disorders. Serotonin deficiency, low thyroid function, and over-stressed adrenal glands are common culprits of these disorders.
Many factors can contribute to it
There are a range of factors that can contribute to the development of anxiety, rather than it being caused by a single factor.
Getting help
If it’s severely impacting your life in a negative way, or causing concern to those around you, you might need to seek treatment. Anxiety disorders can be treated differently. For instance:
Psychological interventions: Going to see a psychologist or counsellor to talk about your experiences can help you to develop new relationships with your thoughts and feelings. There are lots of different types of psychotherapy, but the most common ones for anxiety are:
Systematic desensitization: Most often used for phobias, this involves being taught strategies that will help you relax. With this type of therapy, you’ll be exposed to thoughts or situations that first provoke tiny amounts of anxiety. Then, gradually this exposure will increase until anxiety begins to decrease. There’s lots of research proving this therapy to be very effective.
Relaxation and breathing retraining: Your counsellor teaches you different active coping skills to use when you begin to feel anxious. These skills include tensing and relaxing specific muscle groups, and breathing techniques.
Cognitive therapy: Your counsellor helps you to identify thoughts and beliefs about your problem. You then explore the relationship between your thoughts and your emotional responses. You learn strategies for changing this relationship and more useful ways of interpreting your environment.
Medications: Many different types of medications have been found to help decrease anxiety symptoms. Your GP will know which one is best for you to try, however sometimes it’s difficult to get it right at first. Finding the right medication depends on your situation, symptoms and brain chemistry.
To figure out which treatment is right for you, it’s recommended that you visit your local GP and have a chat about your situation. Your GP can then make some recommendations, which may involve both medication and counselling.
What can I do myself?
If your anxiety is not severe, you may be able to make improvements on your own. Some general things you can do include:
Tell your family and friends about your difficulties so they can support you. Good social support is a protective factor. Surround yourself with people who care about you.
Make self care a priority, to increase your resilience and coping. Try to eat healthy, get enough sleep, and get at least 30 minutes of exercise a day.
Find ways to decrease your general stress levels. Do things you find relaxing and enjoyable, such as listening to music, reading, going for walks, etc.
Avoid alcohol and other drugs, as they often make it worse by covering it up rather than dealing with it. They can also compound the problem by leading to dependence.
Learn some strategies you can use on your own, such as breathing techniques, mindfulness meditation or progressive muscle relaxation.
Still need help?
No matter what your situation looks like, Anglicare Southern Queensland may be able to assist you to improve your mental health and wellbeing. Our counselling and wellbeing services are designed to improve your general and emotional wellbeing. Our team assist clients in a client-focussed, non-judgemental manner. Click here for information on our counselling services.
Are you in crisis or experiencing suicidal thoughts?
People often come to our website because they’re looking for personal help.
If someone asked you right now if you are having thoughts of suicide, what would your honest answer be?
If you answered ‘yes’ – this is undoubtedly a very difficult time for you. You do not need to go through this alone. Help is available.
If suicidal thoughts are unchallenged they can convince a person that because they are doing it tough now it will always be like this. If there is time to talk about suicidal thoughts it can provide a clue to what you hold dear, about certain connections you value and the dreams and aspirations you have for life. In order for such conversation to occur. However, it’s first important to make sure you are safe now.
Get help for suicidal thoughts
If you think you might harm yourself, call for help immediately.
Reach out to someone you trust and ask for help. Tell them honestly how you feel, including your thoughts of self harm or suicide.
Call 000 (police, ambulance, fire)
Call Lifeline, 24 hours a day, on 13 11 14
Go (or have someone take you) to your local hospital emergency department
It’s important to understand suicidal thoughts
“I felt like s***, like there was no way out. It wasn’t like my first thought but it was there in the background.”
Remember that thoughts about suicide are just that – thoughts. You don’t need to act on them. They won’t last for ever, and they may pass very quickly. Many people who have had serious thoughts of suicide have said that they felt completely different only hours later. It’s common to feel overwhelmed and distressed during difficult times or when it seems that things will never improve.
Things you can do to keep yourself safe
Seek help early. Talk to a family member or friend, see your local doctor, or ring a telephone counselling service.
Postpone any decision to end your life. Many people find that if they postpone big decisions for just 24 hours, things improve, they feel better able to cope and they find the support they need.
Talk to someone you trust like family, friends, a colleague, teacher or minister. 24-hour telephone counselling lines allow you to talk anonymously to a trained counsellor at any time of the day or night.
Avoid being alone (especially at night). Stay with a family member or friend or have someone stay with you until your thoughts of suicide decrease.
Develop a safety plan. Come up with a plan that you can put into action at any time. Like having a friend or family member agree that you will call them when you are feeling overwhelmed or upset.
Avoid drugs and alcohol when you’re feeling down. Many drugs are depressants and can make you feel worse, they don’t help to solve problems and can make you do things you wouldn’t normally do.
Set small goals to help you move forward and feel in control. Set goals even on an hourly or daily basis. Write them down and cross them off as you achieve them.
Write down your feelings. You might keep a journal, write poetry or simply jot down your feelings. This can help you to understand yourself better and think about alternative solutions to problems.
Stay healthy and try to get enough exercise and eat well. Exercising releases hormones (endorphins) into your brain. Eating well will help you to feel energetic and able to manage difficult life events.
Seeking professional help
See your local doctor or a specialist to discuss support or treatment. Discuss your suicidal thoughts and feelings with them, talk about ways to keep yourself safe, and ensure you receive the best treatment and care.
See a mental health professional. Psychologists, psychiatrists, counsellors and other health professionals are trained to deal with issues relating to suicide, mental illness and wellbeing. Find them online or by visiting your GP, or by contacting a crisis line for information.
Help is available
Thoughts of suicide occur to many people and for a range of reasons. The most important thing to remember is that you’re not alone, help is available. Talking to someone is a good place to start, even though it may seem really difficult. Tell someone today.
Find help in your local area
If you’re feeling suicidal, getting help early can help you cope with the situation and avoid things getting worse. After you get over a crisis, you need to do all you can to make sure it doesn’t happen again. There are a number of sources of support in your local area. If the first place or person you contact can’t help, or doesn’t meet your needs, don’t give up. Try another.
Visit a General Practitioner – look for one in the Yellow Pages. A GP can support and refer you.
Community Health Centres – these are listed in the White Pages.
See a Psychologist – you can find these through your GP (and get a Medicare rebate) or the Australian Psychological Society (APS). The APS provides a referral service on 1800 333 497 or through their Find a Psychologist web listing.
See a Counsellor or Psychotherapist – you can find these through your community health centre, the Yellow Pages or the Psychotherapy and Counselling Federation of Australia Inc (PACFA). PACFA have a national register of individual counsellors and psychotherapists available to the public (www.pacfa.org.au).
Lifeline 24-hour telephone counselling available anywhere in Australia for the cost of a local call. Telephone: 13 11 14
Kids Helpline (For young people aged between 5 and 25, is free, confidential and anonymous telephone and online counselling service Telephone: 1800 551 800 www.kidshelponline.com.au
Salvo Care Line (A crisis counselling service available throughout Australia. The website provides details of other services available through the Salvation Army) Telephone: 1300 36 36 22, www.salvos.org.au
Suicide Helpline (VICTORIA ONLY) – Confidential telephone counselling, support and referral available 24 hours a day, seven days a week throughout Victoria for the cost of a local call. Telephone: 1300 651 251, www.suicidehelpline.org.au
Womensline (A 24 hour DVConnect line for women) on 1800 811 811, www.dvconnect.org
Mensline (A 24-hour counselling service for men) on 1300 78 99 78, www.mensline.org.au
Crisis Care (Gay and Lesbian Counselling and Community Services of Australia) provides information, live chat counselling, and links to counselling services for gay and lesbian people throughout Australia. Telephone: 1800 18 45 27. Website: QLife. Or see the website for your state/territory: Queensland, New South Wales, Victoria / Tasmania, Western Australia.
The Lifeline website has resources and information related to suicide prevention: Lifeline – Get help now
Lifeline’s Information Service (information about mental health and other related issues for individuals, professionals, families and communities in rural and regional Australia) Telephone: 1300 13 11 14, www.lifeline.org.au
Lifeline’s Service Finder: just look (online database of low cost or free health and community services throughout Australia – free, confidential 24 hour service) www.lifeline.org.au
Note: Many of these services also offer interpreter services for those people who speak English as a second language.
Acknowledgement
This page was created with reference to the “Living is for everyone” publication Promoting good practice in suicide prevention: Activities targeting men produced by the Australian Government Department of Health and Ageing: 2008.
Coping with children’s distress can be more challenging than it is for adults. Until children have learnt how to deal with their feelings, it’s important for parents to assist them in processing emotional experiences.
The way that you respond to children’s distress is very important. There are different ways to respond to children’s distress – supportive and unsupportive.
A supportive response will:
invite the child to explore their feelings
encourage the child to express their emotions
help the child understand the situation that triggered their feelings
support the child to improve the situation.
An unsupportive response, might:
minimise the child’s emotional experience
teach the child that their emotions are unimportant
directly or indirectly send the message that it’s not okay to display emotions
cause the child to worry about what might happen if they do experience or express negative emotions.
Supportive responses to children’s distress and emotional difficulty have been found in research to be linked to things such as:
emotional awareness
improved emotional regulation
better communication skills
social competence, including better quality of friendships and relationships.
So, do you have a supportive, or an unsupportive style of responding? Take this brief quiz to find out:
Quiz: Do you have a supportive parenting style?
This quiz describes various situations you may encounter with your child, and different ways to respond to them. For each situation, select the response you would most likely use. Please read each item carefully and respond as honestly as you can.
Question 1 of 4
If my child becomes angry because they’re sick or hurt and can’t go to their friend’s birthday party, I would:
a) send my child to their room to cool off for a while
b) tell my child to calm down; that missing one birthday party isn’t such a big deal
c) soothe my child and do something fun with them to make them feel better about missing the party.
Question 2 of 4
If my child loses some prized possession and reacts with tears, I would:
a) tell them that’s what happens when you’re not careful
b) tell them it’s OK to cry when you feel unhappy
c) tell my child that they’re overreacting.
Question 3 of 4
If my child is afraid of injections and becomes quite shaky and teary while waiting for their turn to get a shot, I would:
a) talk to my child about ways to make it hurt less (such as relaxing so it won’t hurt or taking deep breaths)
b) tell them to shape up or they won’t be allowed to do something they like to do (e.g., watch TV)
c) tell them not to embarrass us by crying.
Question 4 of 4
If my child is panicky and can’t go to sleep after watching a scary TV show, I would:
a) laugh and tell them that they’re being silly
b) encourage my child to talk about what scared them
c) tell them to go to bed or they won’t be allowed to watch any more TV.
The correct answers to the questions are c, b, a and b.
Some examples of different types of reactions include:
Problem-focused reactions — e.g. helping your child think of ways to solve a difficulty.
Emotion-focused reactions — e.g. distracting your child by talking about happy things.
Expressive encouragement — e.g. telling your child it’s alright to cry when you feel unhappy.
Distress reactions — e.g. getting upset with the child for creating the difficulty.
Minimisation reactions — e.g. telling your child that they’re overreacting.
Punitive reactions — e.g. telling them “That’s what happens when you’re not careful.”
Which ones do you think are supportive, and which ones unsupportive? Take a moment to see if you can guess.
The answers to 1, 2 and 3 are supportive and 4, 5 and 6 are unsupportive.
How can you support your child(ren) to manage their distress in times of difficulty?
Manage your own stress
First and foremost, you should manage your own stress. Research has found that when parents are stressed, their own parenting style becomes more unsupportive. Things to be aware of are job dissatisfaction (try to keep work and home life separate), marital dissatisfaction (be open with your partner about your feelings, and consider couples counselling), and perception of home chaos (put a routine into place and ask for support).
Take care of yourself so you can take care of your children. Do things that are relaxing and de-stressing. Show your children that this can be a way to manage distress or traumatic events. They will learn from you.
Stay calm
When your child comes to you upset, angry, sad or afraid, remember to remain calm and regulate your own emotions. Depending on the situation, this demonstrates to your child that:
they can always come to you with their problems, without fearing how you’ll react
no matter how upset they are, you’re a source of stability
in very distressing situations it’s possible to not let your emotions run away with you
when emotions like anger or anxiety arise, it’s best to respond calmly and logically.
The last two reactions can be related to modelling – demonstrating, through your behaviour, the most appropriate way to act. For example, if your child speaks to you in an aggressive manner, you might conceivably start to feel angry, yourself. This would be the perfect situation to demonstrate appropriate anger management and communication skills to your child.
Talk with your child
Talking with your children about their fears and concerns enables them to make sense of their experiences. By talking through matters, young people can feel safe and rational in their concerns and begin to cope with external factors.
You might want to try starting a conversation with your child at a time that they’re likely to talk, by letting them know you’re interested in hearing what’s going on for them. Otherwise, you might need to wait for them to come to you. Any comment they make can be an opportunity for you to explore your child’s inner world.
Let them express whatever they’re thinking. They will, if given a chance — you might just need to curb your urge to jump in and start problem solving, interpreting or giving advice. Don’t interrupt them. Encourage them to continue with minimal prompts — really allow them to express all their ideas before you respond. Reflect to them what you’ve heard, to both check your understanding and to let them know you’re listening.
Remember that it’s okay to offer your opinion, where suitable. However, you should support them, as much as possible, to come up with their own opinions while reminding them that you’re always there for them.
Make home a safe space
Home is a refuge from the outside world. Do what you can to ensure that the home is a safe place. Establish and maintain a daily and weekly routine, as children of all ages need stability. Plan a night where everyone engages in a family activity. If your lifestyle is busy this can be even more important as you continue to build and maintain connections with other family members. On the other hand, if your child wants to be alone for a bit, there should be a private space they can go to.
Be aware of your child(ren)’s moods
You know your child better than anybody else. Watch out for signs that they’re experiencing stress, fear or anxiety. This is particularly important if the family is under stress, if there has been a traumatic event, or you know that something else is going on.
When a child is experiencing difficult emotions, their behaviour will change. Things to watch for include:
difficulty sleeping
difficulty concentrating
changes in appetite
irritability or moodiness
stomach aches.
If your child has been under stress or has experienced some form of trauma, then these symptoms are normal and should begin to disappear after a few months.
To help them through it, encourage the child to express their feelings and ‘let them out.’
Invite your child to put their feelings into words by talking about them. If it’s something they aren’t ready to talk about, writing about it in a journal can be a good steppingstone. Some children may find it helpful to express their feelings through art.
If your child doesn’t feel confident being “creative” in these ways, one simpler way, is to pick out different music and songs that match the way the child feels inside. The “how” isn’t so important. What is important is that your child doesn’t bottle it all up.
What parents can do to support their children
Stop and listen to your child when they come to talk to you. Your children will know if you’re really listening if you:
stop what you’re doing
look directly at them as they speak
allow them to speak uninterrupted
clarify what they’re saying and how they’re feeling by saying such things as, “It sounds like you are feeling worried that…”
then ask them what they need to enable them to feel better
listen to what they say, as they will let you know if they just need a cuddle, reassurance or a more detailed explanation.
Be a role model
Children observe their parents’ body language (posture, facial expressions, tone of voice and choice of language) and listen to conversations at home. Remember that how you cope with stress is being noticed by your children. It’s helpful for children if parents can discuss issues with each other in calm ways and agree to take a break if tension rises between them.
Get social support
Getting family involved in community sport or social activities is a helpful way to focus on other things and have fun. Community connection is known to be beneficial for your mental health and family relationships.
Allow expression of feelings
When children experience difficult feelings such as sadness, anger, anxiety and stress, they’ll express them in different ways. The best way to support your child at these times is to listen and help them to identify their feelings. Provide reassurance through cuddles and let them know it’s okay to have these feelings, and to express them.
Engage in self-care
Pay attention to your own feelings and thoughts as they arise. Manage them sooner rather than later by talking about them with family or friends, your local GP or a community service. This can benefit your children, as you are then more likely to get things in perspective and remain calm. Read more about self care in times of stress.
When to seek professional support for your child
It may be time to seek professional help, if you notice that your child is:
becoming withdrawn and less interested in socialising
less interested in activities that they usually enjoy
experiencing changes in sleeping or eating habits
experiencing falling grades at school
more irritable than usual
Talk with your GP, School Guidance Counsellor, or phone a community support service such as Lifeline or Parentline. You can give Parentline a call on 1300 301 300 (in QLD or NT) for advice over the phone.
Conclusion
If you find yourself getting stuck, feeling overwhelmed, or needing help, please consider talking to someone who might be able to provide strategies and support.
Anglicare Southern Queensland offers children, family and parenting counselling to clients wishing to improve the mental health and wellbeing of their children or their families.
Everyone has the potential to experience feelings of despair, some manage to avoid it, but others become completely overwhelmed by it. When feelings of despair become intense and begin to interfere with your ability to function and enjoy life, it’s known as clinical depression.
Depression can refer to a mood or a clinical disorder. It’s a combination of emotional (feelings), cognitive (thoughts) and behavioural (actions) symptoms. While everyone will experience sadness at different stages of their lives, depression is more long-lasting and it’s important to know the difference between the two.
How to differentiate clinical depression from sadness
There are various ways to differentiate clinical depression from sadness. Some of the key factors of depression are:
A person’s mood will remain the same in different situations and this is persistent, over time. With depression, your mood will not improve, even temporarily, when engaging in activities that are pleasant;
You can become depressed, even if nothing appears to have caused it. Depression also doesn’t need to be caused by your circumstances;
You’re less able to function in your usual social, family, school and work settings;
The change in mood comes with several other signs and symptoms (refer to below); and
Your mood may feel different to normal sadness. It could feel strange and like you’re being swallowed by overwhelming feelings of darkness.
Typical symptoms of depression
Depressed or dysphoric (unpleasant) mood for most of the day, nearly every day. You may feel gloomy or miserable
Lost interest or pleasure in all (or almost all) activities that you may have once enjoyed
Losing a lot of weight, or putting on a lot of weight, or big changes in your appetite
Not being able to sleep, or sleeping way more than you need to, nearly every day
Your movements becoming either restless (agitated) or slowed down. This has been objectively noticed by other people
Feeling tired, or like you have no energy
Feeling like you’re worthless or feeling inappropriately guilty
Difficulty concentrating and making decisions
Thinking about death and suicide.
Other forms of depression
There are other mood disorders that involve depression.
Dysthymic disorder
Is a long-term depressed mood that a person experiences most of the time. With dysthymic disorder, people experience some of the symptoms for major depression, but not enough to be experiencing a depressive episode.
Bipolar disorder
If someone experiences a manic episode; a period of one week or more where their mood is persistently high or irritable. People living with bipolar disorder often experience other symptoms of inflated self-esteem, decreased need for sleep, highly distractable behaviour, racing thoughts and are far more talkative than usual. Many people who experience a manic episode have also experienced a depressive episode.
Some people who experience depressions can also have symptoms of anxiety. It’s not uncommon for people to drink alcohol or use other drugs to try and manage their feelings.
What causes depression?
Major depression is a severely debilitating and common condition. It usually presents itself in young adulthood, though can appear at any stage of life. Several factors are thought to contribute to sadness, which can transform into clinical depression.
Stressful life events
Research has found that people who become clinically depressed have generally experienced more stressful life events than people who don’t. The most common stressful events linked to depression involve the loss of someone important to you, or of a role that’s important to you (e.g. being fired from your job). One severe event can often be the trigger for a depressive episode. Read more about managing stress.
Vulnerability to stress
Not everyone who experiences a stressful life event becomes depressed. It’s thought that the way people think about and perceive events has an influence on the way they feel about them. If you think negatively about yourself or your life after something stressful happens, you could be more vulnerable to depression. Read more about unhelpful thinking patterns.
Social relationships
Isolation is a major factor that contributes to depression. People who’ve experienced depression have smaller and less supportive social networks; they know fewer people, interact with them less often and have more negative and argumentative interactions with family members. There is generally a long history of this leading up to, and following, depressive episodes.
Response style
The way a person responds when they feel depression coming on has an impact on the length and severity of the depressive mood. Some people respond to depression by turning their attention inward, thinking about the causes and results of their sadness. This is called ruminating.
For other people, they might distract themselves from their depression by focussing on hobbies, sports and other activities which draw their attention away from oncoming depressive episodes. These people typically have less severe and shorter episodes.
Experiences in childhood
People who’ve had sad experiences as children, such as being neglected or criticised harshly by their parents, are more likely to experience depression as they get older.
Genetics
People who have relatives who’ve experienced depression are more likely to experience it than those who don’t. It’s possible for people to inherit a susceptibility to depression (as well as bipolar disorder).
Brain structure and chemistry
There are parts of the brain and chemicals that play important roles in the development of depression. When the brain has a depletion of chemicals like serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine, it may cause depression in some people.
There are a range of factors that can contribute to the development of depression, rather than it being caused by a single factor.
Depression and suicide
People who experience depression may be at higher risk of suicide (and thinking about suicide). If they are, they need urgent help.
If you or someone you care about is thinking about suicide, try to arrange some support from trusted friends or family. Remove things that can be used to commit suicide and seek assistance from a health professional. You may call your local hospital or mental health service for support. They’re available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Mental health teams can see people who are suicidal at any time of the day, wherever they are. Read more about what to do in crisis.
Getting help for depression
If your depression or mood disorder is severely impacting your daily life, or causing concern for those around you, you might need to seek treatment. There are many types of support and assistance for depression. These include:
Psychological interventions: It’s important to talk about your problems. Going to see a psychologist or counsellor to talk about your experiences can help you to develop new relationships with your thoughts and feelings. There are lots of different types of psychotherapy, but the most common ones for depression are:
Cognitive therapy: Your counsellor will help you to identify thoughts and beliefs about your problem. They’ll then explore the relationship between your thoughts and your emotional responses. You learn strategies for changing this relationship and more useful ways of interpreting your environment.
Interpersonal therapy: This type of counselling focuses on your current relationships with other people. Your counsellor will help you to get a better understanding of the interpersonal problems that can happen in relationships, and which possibly lead to depression. You will then work on improving your relationships by building communication and problem-solving skills.
Medications: Many types of medications may be helpful in alleviating your depressive symptoms. Your GP will know which one is best for you to try. Sometimes it can be difficult to find the right one, straight away and your response to a medication can be dependent on your situation, symptoms and brain chemistry.
To figure out which treatment is right for you, it’s recommended that you visit your local GP and have a chat about your situation. Your GP can make some recommendations, which may involve both medication and counselling. Your GP can also refer you to a psychologist and/or psychiatrist under a subsidised mental health care plan.
What can I do myself?
If your depression is not very severe, then you may be able to make improvements on your own. Some general things you can do include:
Ask for help and speak to someone you trust, whether it be a parent, teacher, school counsellor, family member or friend. Allow them to support you
Practice self care. Try to eat healthily and get about 30 minutes of exercise a day. Exercise has consistently been found alleviate symptoms of depression
If you’re not finding activities as enjoyable as they used to be, keep trying new ones. Try to remember something you used to enjoy that you haven’t done for a while. Spend time doing anything you find even slightly relaxing or pleasant, such as listening to music, reading, going for walks, etc.
Express your feelings by writing them down, drawing or painting them, acting them out, talking out loud to someone you miss — anything that works for you
Avoid alcohol and other drugs, as they often make depression worse by covering it up rather than dealing with it and can lead to addiction problems.
Remember that some days will be better than others. Overcoming depression can take time, especially if it’s been around for a while and has become a ‘way of life.’ Also keep in mind that you don’t need to go through this alone. Support and help for depression is available.
Further assistance
If you require emergency support, please call 000 or Lifeline on 13 11 14. They’re a 24/7 crisis service.
Anglicare Southern Queensland provides a variety of social services to individuals, couples, children, young people and families during challenging times. To learn more about these services, click here.
Grief is a natural and painful reaction to loss. It’s a normal process of reacting to physical and tangible loss (death), or it can be in response to a symbolic or psycho-social losses (divorce, relationship breakdown or loss of job). People cope with grief and loss differently.
Grief is a physical, emotional, spiritual and psychological response. Time is an important aspect of grief.
The process of grief
You may have heard of the ‘Five Stages of Grief.’ They are:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance.
While grief is categorised into several stages, people experience it in different ways. Therefore, it may be helpful to consider what might happen to you without needing to worry about whether you’re doing it right.
Some typical reactions to losing a loved one
Everyone experiences grief differently. If you don’t experience any of the following, or any of the following in linear description, as per the below, that’s okay.
The first day
People who experience grief may encounter the following on their first day:
Shock
Numbness
Emotional responses (they’re designed to protect you from knowledge)
Physical responses (they stimulate the necessary bodily chemicals which help you survive intense situations).
On the first day of grief, some people report not feeling anything and are unable to express their feelings. Loss impacts everyone differently. Those who do experience feelings could feel:
Numbness
Intense anger
Guilt
Disbelief
Confusion
Loss of appetite
Nausea
Restlessness
Agitation
Concentration lapses
Memory loss
Headaches
Neck and back pain
Sleeplessness.
The third day
The third day of the grief process is often a significant time for people. Again, people experience and process feelings differently. Though for most, this day is when reality begins to sink in, causing increasing pain, confusion and disbelief.
The seventh day
Often, by this time the funeral is over, and relatives and friends have gone away to get on with their own lives. At this point you can be suddenly overwhelmed by reality and loneliness. Feelings of sadness can come ‘out of the blue,’ leaving you feeling desperate and crying out for relief.
Four to Six Weeks
By this stage, pain doesn’t necessarily worsen for most people. However, people will find that their body’s protective mechanisms start to wear off.
If you’re at this stage of the grief process, you might find that you’re wanting to hold onto old habits that bring you love and comfort, yet feel despair as you feel like you need to let go.
Gradually you may become used to the intensity of the pain. The time between peaks of pain may start to increase, giving you some relief. Initially this may only last minutes, but gradually it will become days, then at some point weeks, months and years.
You may never ‘get over’ the death, but you’ll learn to live with the absence of the person you love.
Anniversaries and special dates
Special dates that may cause intense pain include:
Birthdays
Wedding anniversaries
Anniversaries of the person’s death
Christmas.
Throughout the first year, grief comes in ‘waves.’ Time gradually increases between the ‘waves’ (sometimes only by minutes) but the intensity is just as great.
On the anniversary of death, some people experience a physical response which is like hearing the news of death. Some people experience headaches, back pain or cold and flu-like symptoms.
It’s important to prepare yourself for these difficult days and plan how you will spend them and often with whom. You may want to be alone, have someone ‘on call’ or be with company. It’s up to you.
Something important to remember is:
Grief is a natural process
Therefore, allow it to be ongoing and try not to stop the process. Allow the process to take care of itself and of you. Work hard at not putting yourself down because you’ll be having mixed feelings (including confusion).
It’s natural to:
Experience physical symptoms of distress
Become pre-occupied with your loss
Experience a sense of guilt
Be hostile and experience an inability to return to usual activities
Feeling numb
Feeling stunned at times when things don’t feel real
Struggle with concentrating
Feel like the world is unreal and causing you to feel drained
Thing you have no feelings left
Feel unmotivated to not want to do things
Feel like nothing is certain anymore.
It’s important for people experiencing grief and loss to accept that they’re the only ones who can know how they feel, and they are also the only ones who can decide what is their own best way of expressing that pain and loss.
If you are grieving and feel like staying in bed for a few days, staying with a friend or being alone for a while – you’re entitled to do it. You’re in charge of handling your grief and loss in whatever way feels right for you.
Need support?
If you need more support with your mental health and wellbeing, Anglicare Southern Queensland provides a range of counselling services to assist you with those needs. Our services are designed to provide clients with support to identify their strengths, develop a sense of self-reliance, resilience and independence. For more information, please visit our Counselling page.
Goal setting involves more than deciding what you want to do. In fact, it involves figuring out what you need to do to get where you want to go and how long it’ll take for you to get there.
Smart goals
By ensuring that your goals are SMART, you’ll be more likely to achieve them. SMART is an acronym for:
Specific; Measurable; Attainable (or Achievable); Realistic; and Timely.
An effective SMART goal considers each of these words/ components.
Specific
A specific goal has a greater chance of being accomplished than a general goal. To set a specific goal you must answer the six “W” questions:
Who – who is involved?
What – what do I want to accomplish?
Where – identify a location
When – establish a time frame
Which – identify requirements and constraints
Why – specific reasons, purpose or benefits of accomplishing the goal.
Example: A general goal would be, “be a good parent.” But a specific goal would be, “spend half an hour of undivided one-on-one time with each child, three days a week.”
Measurable
Establish requirements for measuring the progress towards achieving each goal you set. It’s important to establish key dates/timings when creating your goals. This will allow you to measure your progress and take steps to ensure you’ll meet deadlines.
To determine if it’s measurable, consider asking:
How many factors are involved (quantities of something you want to achieve i.e. monetary)?
How will I know when it’s accomplished?
Attainable
When setting goals, you need to know if you’re able to achieve them. Once you’ve achieved a certain component of it, you can then start on the next. To make your goal attainable/ achievable, divide them into small steps.
When you identify the goals that are most important to you, you begin to figure out ways to achieve them. This is generally through developing attitudes, abilities, skills and financial capacity.
You’re more likely to achieve your goals when you plan them out and establish steps and time frames to achieve them. Goals that may have seemed out of reach eventually become attainable as you grow and expand to match them.
When you list your goals, you build your self-image. You see yourself as worthy of the goals and develop the traits and personality that allow you to possess them.
Realistic
To be realistic, a goal must represent an objective that you’re willing and capable of working towards. It can be both high and realistic. Only you can decide how high your goal should be. Though, ensure that your goal represents substantial progress.
Typically, a high one is easier to reach than a low one. This is because low goals require less motivational force. When you think about some of the hardest jobs you’ve accomplished, they seem easy and that’s because they were achieved through a labour of love.
Your goal is probably realistic if you believe that it can be accomplished. Other ways to know that your goal is realistic is by comparing it to similar past accomplishments or asking yourself what conditions need to exist for it to be achieved.
Timely
A goal should be grounded within a timeframe. If a goal doesn’t have a timeframe attached to it, it loses a sense of urgency.
For instance, if you want to lose 5 kg, you need to think about when you want to lose it by. If you anchor your goal with a timeframe, like “by the 1st of May,” then you’ve set your unconscious mind into motion to begin working on it.
A goal is tangible when you can experience it with a sense. That is, taste, touch, smell, sight or hearing. For example, “be a better partner,” turns into, “see my relationship counsellor weekly until my partner and I can see that we have resolved conflict in helpful ways, three times out of five.”
When your goal is tangible, you have a better chance of making it specific and measurable, and thus attainable.
Still need help?
Anglicare Southern Queensland specialises in all-of-life services. Our Social and Community Services improve and support the mental health and wellbeing of Queenslanders, through promoting healthier relationships with self, others and our surroundings. If you require further support, please contact our team on 1300 114 397.
Are there old hurts from the past that haven’t healed?
Do you find time to be together?
Do you have friends that you can be open and honest with?
Have you ever been in a men’s group?
Would you consider joining one?
Do you recognize the importance of friendships?
Do you nurture old friendships and develop new ones?
Do you feel connected to your community?
Do you feel you have something vital to contribute?
Life purpose
Does your life have meaning?
Do you feel you have something special to contribute to the world?
Do you feel needed by your family?
What do you know that if generally practiced would make the world a better place?
Does your work have a purpose beyond bringing home a pay-check?
Do you feel you are expressing who you really are?
Do you feel appreciated for who you are and what you give?
Joy in life
Can you still be inspired by beauty and wonder?
Can you still be silly and playful?
What things do you truly enjoy?
Do you take the time to have fun?
Who do you know who is really fun loving?
What could you do to allow that quality to express itself in you?
How often do you just let yourself go and enjoy life with reckless abandon?
Unique gifts
Do you have things that you’d like to share with other?
Are there things you’ve learned that you’d like to teach?
Do you have opportunities to express love and give to others?
Do you honor and appreciate yourself?
Do you recognize that with all your excesses and deficits you are a great man?
Men’s wellbeing in relationships
Here are some different factors to consider in terms of men’s wellbeing in relationships.
All relationships need nourishment. Nourish your own.
Throughout your life there are three key relationships that you need to nourish. The first is your relationship to yourself, the second is your relationship to your partner, the third is your relationship to your family and community. At different times of your lives more attention may go to one or the other.
When life moves on, you may need to treat your relationship as if it were new. You may need to court your partner, find new ways to get to know her (or him), and let her see sides of you that may have been hidden over the years – allow yourself to be vulnerable – take different risks. If it has been the woman who has taken the lead in nourishing the relationship in the first half, you may need to be the one to take the lead in the second half. If she was someone new you wanted to have a relationship with, what would you do? Get creative. Have fun.
Men’s wellbeing: it’s important to look after your self!
One of the best things a man can do for his relationship with his partner is to make sure his relationship with himself is healthy and growing. When is the last time you did something nice for yourself? In the hustle and bustle of our busy lives we sometimes put ourselves at the bottom of the priority list – family and job first. A relationship can only be as healthy as the people who make it up. Be sure you are taking care of yourself as much as you would lake care of the person in the world that you care about the most.
Be sure you are ‘feeding’ your relationships with friends and community.
We need to be sure that we have other supports than just our partners. Men’s groups can be a source of a great deal of care and nurturing. “When I feel there are many sources for love in my life, I feel I have more to give to my relationship.”
All relationships go through pain – listen to the pain and take action on what you hear.
No relationship can exist without pain. If you want a relationship that is always pain free you will be disappointed in love. If we think that pain and problems are a sign that there is something wrong with our relationship and that we need to find another one that feels better, we will send ourselves on an endless search. Problems and pain are part of every relationship.
There are two main ways we tell our partners about our pain that do not work very well.
“You” statements and “Why” questions.
“You” statements focus the problem on our partners. They are a way of hiding from our pain. They sound like this: “You are always inviting people over without asking me. You just don’t care, etc.” Maybe this sounds like something you have heard before? Notice that all the statements point at the other person. When we’re on the other end of the “You” statements we usually feel scolded and blamed.
In relationship communications, I have found that questions are usually ways of hiding feelings rather than requests for information. “You” statements: “Why are you always doing this to me?” “Don’t you know I have work to do tonight?” “Why don’t you ever take an interest in my work?” “How can you be so inconsiderate?” Have you ever heard yourself asking questions like these? It does not really work!
So what does work? We need to tell our partners about our pain. We need to let them know that what they do affects us without blaming them for the hurts that we feel. “I” statements focus on us. They tell our partner what is going on inside us.
“I” statements work.
The more we use them, the better communication we will have. But they are often difficult to use when we are under stress. Sometimes I can actually use a good “I” statement when I feel hurt: “I feel disappointed that you invited your aunt to visit without talking to me. I feel left out. I was looking forward to having time just for the two of us.” Whatever we can do, we need to notice our pain and let our partners know what’s going on inside of us.
The more we are able to do this, the more alive our relationships will be. The less we do it, the more energy will be lost from our relationships. Like everything else that is important in life, we need TO practice if we want relationships that work.
Be receptive, not reactive.
One of the great difficulties we have in discussing our hurts and disappointments with our partners is that we find it very difficult to be receptive rather than reactive. I can’t tell you how many times my wife has tried to tell me something that she is concerned about when, before she can finish, I am already reacting defensively. Being receptive is not an easy practice for most of us to master. We are much better at going on the offensive than listening to what our partners are trying to say to us. Being receptive means listening closely, with openness and love. It does not mean closing down while we smile, nod our heads, and say, “Yes dear, yes dear.”
I have found that the more receptive we are, the more secure we become. I have also found that the more secure we are, the more receptive we are able to be. In our earlier years we often equated being receptive with being “wimpy” and unmanly. In fact, being receptive is a mark of manly strength. The more we cultivate it, the better we feel about ourselves and the healthier our relationships become.
Men’s wellbeing: listen to what is being said.
Somehow many of us have gotten the idea that if we listen without responding, it means that we are agreeing with everything the other person is saying. I’ve found that one of the greatest gifts that one person can give another is to listen to him or her. When we are heard there is a kind of warmth that runs through our bodies. We feel embraced and cared for. I often have to remind myself, when I am listening to my wife say something that stirs strong emotions in me, to take a deep breath and just listen. I don’t need to defend myself. This is just her point of view, not something I have to challenge. If I can listen with an open heart I know it will help our communication and improve our relationship.
Once our partners feel heard, they are much more receptive to hearing our points of view. A great deal of the pain and conflict that occurs in relationships is because we haven’t been able to hear each other. A good deal of what I do as a therapist is just to listen to a person with an open mind and an open heart. This is a skill we can all acquire and which will improve with practice.
Learn to listen to your partner’s emotions.
We have all seen it, in our friends, on TV, or in our own relationships. Our partners are upset about something and become emotional. We withdraw behind a newspaper, the TV, or the computer. The less responsive we become, the more upset and emotional they become, and the more we withdraw. Women often complain, “I can never get through to him.” Men often complain, “I can’t take your constant criticism, you’re nagging.”
In order to break the pattern, we need to understand what is really going on. Recent research has shown that those who withdraw in the face of strong emotion are actually feeling flooded with feelings. Contrary to the belief that women are more emotional than men, men can be more emotionally sensitive — we react to emotional situations strongly — but we often keep our emotions inside.
One of the main reasons we withdraw from emotional confrontations is that we are being overwhelmed emotionally, and that this is something we are often unable to deal with. Historically in Western society it has been considered almost unmanly to express and talk through feelings and emotions. Boys and men are expected to weather any and all kinda of turbulent situations with a “stiff upper lip;” being practical rather than emotional or verbal. Since girls and women, on the other hand, are expected to be emotionally sensitive, caring and expressive, these qualities have become associated with femininity. As such there is almost a social taboo for men to express their feelings (unless, of course, we’re talking about anger).
Since masculinity and sexuality can be called into question, it is not surprising that we tend to avoid emotional confrontations. Our upbringing often means that we are just not equipped to handle them. You can learn to listen without being overwhelmed though. This is an important factor of men’s wellbeing. Tell your partner that you need to listen a little at a time. If you start to become flooded, you need to take a break and come back when you have had a chance to let your nervous system return to normal. When you start feeling like your partner is always causing problems, you need to remember these social differences. A woman, whose emotional upbringing means she may be better able to handle stress, may more often brings up sensitive issues. A man, who is not as able to handle it, will attempt to avoid getting into the subject.
Personal problem-solving is an important skill for your mental health and wellbeing. Whenever you have an issue, decision or disagreement playing on your mind, and you’re not sure how to approach it, you can feel stressed and your mood can be affected. Problem-solving skills can be used to help resolve personal problems in a logical way, while also considering your needs, alleviating any pressure on your mental wellbeing.
Structured problem-solving
Structured problem-solving is a useful strategy that can be applied in many situations when dealing with anxiety, stress or depression. It is useful for:
making a connection between the difficulties you’re experiencing and the consequent emotional responses
becoming aware of resources that are available to you to help manage your problems
learning a systematic approach to overcoming difficulties
regaining a sense of control over problems
developing skills to tackle further problems in the future.
When is problem-solving useful?
Personal problem-solving skills are useful in a variety of troubling situations, including:
disagreements in relationships and trying to reach compromise
potential or threatened loss (such as loss of a job or relationship)
coping with actual loss
conflict, and uncertainty how to handle conflict, or if it can be resolved at all
work or study difficulties
difficulties with children and parenting.
The personal problem-solving process
Symptoms of stress, anxiety or depression can result from some of the issues listed above. Therefore, it’s important to know how to approach them.
Stage 1: Clarifying the situation
Take time to notice and acknowledge symptoms of stress, anxiety or depression that you might be experiencing. Once you’ve identified your own emotional experiences, reflect on any problems you’re having. If necessary, list them.
Think about whether your symptoms and problems are related. Is there a link between your emotional struggles and the problems you listed? Is it possible that these difficult feelings are an emotional response to the problems?
If the two factors are related, resolving the problem may lead to an improvement in your mood and wellbeing.
Stage 2: Defining the problems
Refer to your list of problems and spend time clarifying them. It helps to break large problems into smaller ones and focus on one at a time.
The important thing to remember (at this stage) is not to try and solve the problem (you will do that later), but to make sure you’re starting off with a clear idea of what the problem is about.
Stage 3: Generating solutions
Brainstorm a variety of solutions. List any ideas that come to mind, thinking of as many as you can. Include ideas that seem unrealistic or unworkable right now.
In other words, let your imagination run wild. Try not to evaluate these possibilities at this stage. Avoid saying to yourself, “that would never work.” Sometimes the best ideas seem crazy at first.
Stage 4: Evaluating the solutions
During this stage, try to determine what the advantages and disadvantages of each of your solutions are.
Use a pen and draw a line down the middle of the page. Name one side “pros” and the other “cons.” List all the positive and negative things about each of your ideas.
If there is someone you feel okay talking to about it, ask for any ideas they might have.
Stage 5: Choosing your preferred solution
Figure out which of the listed solutions (or which combination of solutions) is most workable for you and is most likely to get the results you would like.
With your top solution, take a moment to consider the variables and ask yourself the following questions:
What is the best possible outcome if I implement this solution?
What is the worst possible outcome?
All things considered, what is the most likely outcome?
Then, select the solution that has the most appealing and most likely outcome.
Stage 6: Developing a plan of action
Here’s where you plan out what implementing the solution will look like. The first thing to do here may involve breaking down the solution into a series of small steps.
Think of the very first thing you would need to do to get the ball rolling — something that you can do immediately. It might be something like, “carefully map out what I want to communicate to Mr X,” or “update my resume.”
Then come up with the next steps you’ll need to take, the sequence of tasks that will be necessary, one by one.
By doing this, you can set specific short-term goals (within the week), medium-term goals (within the next month), and long-term goals. Read our goal setting blog to understand what your next steps might look like.
If you start to achieve your smaller goals, earlier on, this should help to motivate you as you’ll feel a greater sense of achievement.
In addition to the above steps, your plan should consider the following questions:
whose help do I need?
how long will each step and the plan take? Do I need to set deadlines for each step? When do I hope to have the problem solved?
what obstacles might come up? Will there be any barriers that might make things hard for me?
how might I get around these obstacles? What can I do to make them more manageable?
do I need to prepare for or practice any difficult parts? (e.g. role play a conversation or interview).
when will I stop and check out how things are progressing? How will I know if my plan is on track and working? (e.g. money in the bank, feeling closer with partner, more respect from co-worker, getting to sleep more quickly, able to get out of the house three times per week).
Be sure to balance your resources with any obstacles you may encounter. Your resources may include things like:
your personal strengths and assets
your existing skills and strategies
your leisure pursuits and ability to relax and regroup
social connections
support from other people
self-help learnings.
Stage 7: Implement the solution
Nice work so far! By this stage you’ve done some valuable thinking and planning. Now it’s time to embark on Step 1 of your Personal Problem-Solving Plan.
Hint: If you wait until you ‘feel like it,’ it might never happen. Often, ‘feeling like it’ occurs after you’ve made the start.
Stage 8: Review
Commend yourself and your hard work. The review stage is about figuring out how well your solution worked (or is working, if it’s ongoing).
Have you observed any changes to the problem? Is the problem better or worse since you started? What have been the most helpful aspects you’ve put in place? Does the plan need any alterations?
If your plan hasn’t worked, consider trying something different or making changes to your plan. You might also benefit from trying again.
Remember you might not solve it on your first go and that’s okay. This is all a learning experience.
When things go wrong
It may be that your preferred solution just didn’t work.
Try not to let your disappointment discourage you from giving it another go. If things don’t go as planned, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It only means the problem may be bigger than you thought, and that your personal problem-solving plan may need some revision.
Some questions to consider
What went right?
What went wrong?
What did you do that helped?
Did the way things turn out give you more information about the situation? If so:
How does this change things?
Could it mean there are more possible solutions to try?
What might work better this time around?
Final thoughts
Anglicare Southern Queensland provides a range of social and community services to support individuals, groups and families with improving their mental health and wellbeing. Our services also help with goal setting and overcoming personal challenges that our clients might face. Find out more about our Counselling services here, or click here for information on our Family Support services.
