Self esteem

Self esteem is:

• Having a feeling of confidence and competence to function successfully in life and trusting oneself.
• Approving and unconditionally loving yourself.
• The willingness to be foolish.
• Being able to express one’s creativity and trusting in one’s intuition.
• Being authentic and genuine so that one’s real self can be experienced.
• The ability to see oneself as the cause and source of one’s circumstances in life so that one may take responsibility for it.

Low self esteem

People with low self esteem often engage “negative self talk.” This involves repeating to yourself things that you think are “wrong” with you. These thoughts can be automatic, meaning you are so used to having them that they just come naturally.

Negative self talk is one of the biggest contributors to low self esteem or negative self image. Imagine that you are feeling pretty low one day when you walk into a room that you haven’t tidied up for a while. Your first automatic thought may be, “I’m so messy, what is wrong with me?” This in turn leads you to feel even worse, engage in even more negative self talk, and fall into a cycle that is a factor of depression.

How do we improve it?

It’s possible to interrupt this cycle. You can do this by making a conscious decision to stop any automatic, negative thoughts, and to replace them with positive ones. Whenever a negative thought pops into your mind, stop. Shake your head, and switch purposely to more positive self talk. It may be difficult to catch your negative thoughts, at first, but the more you do it, the better your thoughts will become.

Do how do we develop a good, positive self image?

How can we respond to all the negative self talk we have about ourselves, so it doesn’t affect us so much?
Look for the positives.

Think of three positive things about yourself; things that you are good at or of which you are proud. Make a list of them. If you can’t find three nice things about yourself, don’t give up. Imagine that being kind to yourself uses a certain part of your brain. If you haven’t been using that part for a while, then it needs to be exercised to strengthen it. Once you start using it, it becomes easier and easier, eventually leading towards automatic positive thoughts, instead of negative, and thus to a more positive self image.

Try asking someone you like to tell you three nice things about you. Keep asking until you have three positive images about yourself that you can refer to when you start feeling low. Make sure your brain cells get to hear about it. The more that you’re kind to yourself and repeat positive thoughts, the more likely they are to become automatic thoughts – which lead naturally to higher self esteem.

Self esteem, whether positive or negative, affects how you feel about yourself and that influences the way you behave. This in turn affects the way people see and act towards you.

When you have higher self esteem, your body language will convey more self confidence and acceptance. People around you will perceive this and respond more positively towards you, which, in turn, will make you feel more confident and good about yourself. So the cycle goes both ways.

If your self esteem is very low, it may take a while to see some improvement. Don’t expect overnight results.

More ways to improve your self-esteem

• List all the things that you like about yourself.
• Respect other people’s thoughts and feelings.
• Frequently acknowledge others by telling them that you like and appreciate them; especially your family, friends and workmates.
• Think of ten things that you enjoy doing and do them frequently.
• Be more assertive; speak up for yourself. This can be done by asking for what you want as well as by expressing your thoughts and feelings.
• Experience the pleasure of deep breathing.
• Be self compassionate.
• Stand in front of a full length mirror naked and tell yourself “I love you” for 5 minutes (try it for half an hour and see what happens).
• Don’t take yourself so seriously. Be able to laugh with others, at life and yourself.
• Display your picture in the home.
• Acknowledge your successes and give yourself a pat on the back for your accomplishments.
• Start enhancing yourself by going to workshops and seminars. Invest money in yourself.
• Give yourself permission to be lazy and to do the things that you want to do at times.
• Be your own best lover by treating yourself lovingly, every chance you get.
• See the strength in the people you meet.
• Stop putting yourself down and being so critical of yourself, or at least don’t buy into those negative thoughts.
• Build a lifestyle that generates and nourishes your self worth.
• Wear clothes that you feel good in.
• Allow yourself to accept acknowledgment and compliments and don’t invalidate their positive thoughts and feelings about you.
• Stop comparing yourself with others; see yourself as being of equal worth.
• If you have a thought that starts with “I ought to, I need to, or I should,” change it to “I want to…”
• Put integrity in your life; always be honest.
• Focus your attention on enjoying the present, rather than living in the past or future.
• Begin to see yourself as being self sufficient rather than needing relationships.
• Learn from your mistakes and see them as valuable lessons rather than feeling guilty about them.
• Replace your thoughts of being inferior and inadequate. Generate positive thoughts and feelings of love and acceptance.
• Stop blaming others for your life circumstances and give up the “victim” act. Begin to see yourself as the cause and source of what happens to you.

Foundations for building self esteem

The process of building self esteem is active and continues all of your life. Your esteem of yourself is the only esteem you really own. If someone else can give it to you, they can just as easily take it away.

Clarify values and priorities in your life. Are you living according to these values? Set some realistic goals to do so. Unrealistic values and goals cannot be achieved and result in a sense of failure, which leads to a decrease in self esteem.

Listen to different parts of your rational and emotional self (head and heart).

Don’t live in the past. What is the reality at present? Re-equate your self-worth with who you are today.

Be aware of self “put down” thoughts. When you are tempted to say negative things about yourself (and others), say “stop!” Replace self-accusing thoughts with positive reminders and supportive thoughts.

Accept compliments and think positively about yourself.

Acknowledge your achievements and good points.

Reward yourself from time to time.

Your happiness is principally your responsibility.

Allow time for self esteem to grow.

Aim for small, solid changes.

Still need help?

If you think that you could benefit with some counselling, please visit our Family and Relationship Counselling Services page on our website. Our teams are able to service clients throughout Ipswich, Brisbane South, Brisbane North, Logan and the Gold Coast.