The way that you respond to children’s distress is very important. There are different ways to respond to children’s distress – supportive and unsupportive.
A supportive response will:
- invite the child to explore their feelings
- encourage the child to express their emotions
- help the child understand the situation that triggered their feelings
- support the child to improve the situation.
An unsupportive response, might:
- minimise the child’s emotional experience
- teach the child that their emotions are unimportant
- directly or indirectly send the message that it’s not okay to display emotions
- cause the child to worry about what might happen if they do experience or express negative emotions.
Supportive responses to children’s distress and emotional difficulty have been found in research to be linked to things such as:
- emotional awareness
- improved emotional regulation
- better communication skills
- social competence, including better quality of friendships and relationships.
So, do you have a supportive, or an unsupportive style of responding? Take this brief quiz to find out:
Quiz: Do you have a supportive parenting style?
This quiz describes various situations you may encounter with your child, and different ways to respond to them. For each situation, select the response you would most likely use. Please read each item carefully and respond as honestly as you can.
Question 1 of 4
If my child becomes angry because they’re sick or hurt and can’t go to their friend’s birthday party, I would:
a) send my child to their room to cool off for a while
b) tell my child to calm down; that missing one birthday party isn’t such a big deal
c) soothe my child and do something fun with them to make them feel better about missing the party.
Question 2 of 4
If my child loses some prized possession and reacts with tears, I would:
a) tell them that’s what happens when you’re not careful
b) tell them it’s OK to cry when you feel unhappy
c) tell my child that they’re overreacting.
Question 3 of 4
If my child is afraid of injections and becomes quite shaky and teary while waiting for their turn to get a shot, I would:
a) talk to my child about ways to make it hurt less (such as relaxing so it won’t hurt or taking deep breaths)
b) tell them to shape up or they won’t be allowed to do something they like to do (e.g., watch TV)
c) tell them not to embarrass us by crying.
Question 4 of 4
If my child is panicky and can’t go to sleep after watching a scary TV show, I would:
a) laugh and tell them that they’re being silly
b) encourage my child to talk about what scared them
c) tell them to go to bed or they won’t be allowed to watch any more TV.
The correct answers to the questions are c, b, a and b.
Some examples of different types of reactions include:
- Problem-focused reactions — e.g. helping your child think of ways to solve a difficulty.
- Emotion-focused reactions — e.g. distracting your child by talking about happy things.
- Expressive encouragement — e.g. telling your child it’s alright to cry when you feel unhappy.
- Distress reactions — e.g. getting upset with the child for creating the difficulty.
- Minimisation reactions — e.g. telling your child that they’re overreacting.
- Punitive reactions — e.g. telling them “That’s what happens when you’re not careful.”
Which ones do you think are supportive, and which ones unsupportive? Take a moment to see if you can guess.
The answers to 1, 2 and 3 are supportive and 4, 5 and 6 are unsupportive.
How can you support your child(ren) to manage their distress in times of difficulty?
Manage your own stress
First and foremost, you should manage your own stress. Research has found that when parents are stressed, their own parenting style becomes more unsupportive. Things to be aware of are job dissatisfaction (try to keep work and home life separate), marital dissatisfaction (be open with your partner about your feelings, and consider couples counselling), and perception of home chaos (put a routine into place and ask for support).
Take care of yourself so you can take care of your children. Do things that are relaxing and de-stressing. Show your children that this can be a way to manage distress or traumatic events. They will learn from you.
Stay calm
When your child comes to you upset, angry, sad or afraid, remember to remain calm and regulate your own emotions. Depending on the situation, this demonstrates to your child that:
- they can always come to you with their problems, without fearing how you’ll react
- no matter how upset they are, you’re a source of stability
- in very distressing situations it’s possible to not let your emotions run away with you
- when emotions like anger or anxiety arise, it’s best to respond calmly and logically.
The last two reactions can be related to modelling – demonstrating, through your behaviour, the most appropriate way to act. For example, if your child speaks to you in an aggressive manner, you might conceivably start to feel angry, yourself. This would be the perfect situation to demonstrate appropriate anger management and communication skills to your child.
Talk with your child
Talking with your children about their fears and concerns enables them to make sense of their experiences. By talking through matters, young people can feel safe and rational in their concerns and begin to cope with external factors.
You might want to try starting a conversation with your child at a time that they’re likely to talk, by letting them know you’re interested in hearing what’s going on for them. Otherwise, you might need to wait for them to come to you. Any comment they make can be an opportunity for you to explore your child’s inner world.
Let them express whatever they’re thinking. They will, if given a chance — you might just need to curb your urge to jump in and start problem solving, interpreting or giving advice. Don’t interrupt them. Encourage them to continue with minimal prompts — really allow them to express all their ideas before you respond. Reflect to them what you’ve heard, to both check your understanding and to let them know you’re listening.
Remember that it’s okay to offer your opinion, where suitable. However, you should support them, as much as possible, to come up with their own opinions while reminding them that you’re always there for them.
Make home a safe space
Home is a refuge from the outside world. Do what you can to ensure that the home is a safe place. Establish and maintain a daily and weekly routine, as children of all ages need stability. Plan a night where everyone engages in a family activity. If your lifestyle is busy this can be even more important as you continue to build and maintain connections with other family members. On the other hand, if your child wants to be alone for a bit, there should be a private space they can go to.
Be aware of your child(ren)’s moods
You know your child better than anybody else. Watch out for signs that they’re experiencing stress, fear or anxiety. This is particularly important if the family is under stress, if there has been a traumatic event, or you know that something else is going on.
When a child is experiencing difficult emotions, their behaviour will change. Things to watch for include:
- difficulty sleeping
- difficulty concentrating
- changes in appetite
- irritability or moodiness
- stomach aches.
If your child has been under stress or has experienced some form of trauma, then these symptoms are normal and should begin to disappear after a few months.
To help them through it, encourage the child to express their feelings and ‘let them out.’
Invite your child to put their feelings into words by talking about them. If it’s something they aren’t ready to talk about, writing about it in a journal can be a good steppingstone. Some children may find it helpful to express their feelings through art.
If your child doesn’t feel confident being “creative” in these ways, one simpler way, is to pick out different music and songs that match the way the child feels inside. The “how” isn’t so important. What is important is that your child doesn’t bottle it all up.
What parents can do to support their children
Stop and listen to your child when they come to talk to you. Your children will know if you’re really listening if you:
- stop what you’re doing
- look directly at them as they speak
- allow them to speak uninterrupted
- clarify what they’re saying and how they’re feeling by saying such things as, “It sounds like you are feeling worried that…”
- then ask them what they need to enable them to feel better
- listen to what they say, as they will let you know if they just need a cuddle, reassurance or a more detailed explanation.
Be a role model
Children observe their parents’ body language (posture, facial expressions, tone of voice and choice of language) and listen to conversations at home. Remember that how you cope with stress is being noticed by your children. It’s helpful for children if parents can discuss issues with each other in calm ways and agree to take a break if tension rises between them.
Get social support
Getting family involved in community sport or social activities is a helpful way to focus on other things and have fun. Community connection is known to be beneficial for your mental health and family relationships.
Allow expression of feelings
When children experience difficult feelings such as sadness, anger, anxiety and stress, they’ll express them in different ways. The best way to support your child at these times is to listen and help them to identify their feelings. Provide reassurance through cuddles and let them know it’s okay to have these feelings, and to express them.
Engage in self-care
Pay attention to your own feelings and thoughts as they arise. Manage them sooner rather than later by talking about them with family or friends, your local GP or a community service. This can benefit your children, as you are then more likely to get things in perspective and remain calm. Read more about self care in times of stress.
When to seek professional support for your child
It may be time to seek professional help, if you notice that your child is:
- becoming withdrawn and less interested in socialising
- less interested in activities that they usually enjoy
- experiencing changes in sleeping or eating habits
- experiencing falling grades at school
- more irritable than usual
Talk with your GP, School Guidance Counsellor, or phone a community support service such as Lifeline or Parentline. You can give Parentline a call on 1300 301 300 (in QLD or NT) for advice over the phone.
Conclusion
If you find yourself getting stuck, feeling overwhelmed, or needing help, please consider talking to someone who might be able to provide strategies and support.
Anglicare Southern Queensland offers children, family and parenting counselling to clients wishing to improve the mental health and wellbeing of their children or their families. Please get in touch with us to find out what service might work best for you.