When something happens to, or around, you, your mind will consult your core beliefs. This is a defense mechanism designed to protect you.
Core beliefs are very convincing – they’re full of persuasion and conviction. A core belief is something that you accept as true, and you don’t usually question it. Because your beliefs are so strong, you aren’t often aware of them.
Core beliefs are very important to a person. They determine the degree to which you see yourself as worthy, safe, competent, powerful and loved. Negative beliefs about yourself are harmful and can affect your level of self-acceptance and self-esteem. Your core beliefs significantly influence your sense of belonging and paint a picture of how you are perceived or treated by others.
Core beliefs as childish thinking patterns
Everyone has core beliefs which dictate our personal rules for how we live our lives in relation to others and the world around us. Core beliefs are formed during our early years and are based on thoughts about our experiences, the things we see people do, and the advice we’ve been given.
Core beliefs are formed in our early years and are therefore influenced by our child-like and adolescent thoughts. While there’s nothing wrong with adolescent thinking, they may lack insight and understanding that comes with greater life experiences.
For example, adolescent thinking can sometimes:
- Ignore the consequences of our actions
- Favour immediate gratification over long-term goals
- Rely on stereotypes or prejudices
- Be very self-centered, or “egocentric”
- Use emotive, subjective rationales rather than being objectively logical
- Perceive anger as strong and overvalue aggression to solve problems
- Lack practicality and flexibility (i.e. be less able to consider and integrate opposing or conflicting ideas).
This is why it’s important to acknowledge our core beliefs and try to consciously change them to a healthier, more adult-style of thinking.
Core beliefs and self-acceptance
Core beliefs directly impact the way we see the world and interpret consequences. They influence our judgement of others and outselves. Core beliefs affect our self-esteem, self-worth and self-acceptance.
Core beliefs can be distorted by trauma, especially when a person is young. They’re often a response caused by hurt or rejection, causing a person to view themselves as flawed or unworthy.
A cycle of self-acceptance or self-rejection
When you constantly tell yourself that you’re not good enough, you’ll begin to focus on evidence that causes you to believe that it’s true. Thus, discounting any positive thoughts you may have. Understandably, this can cause you to feel worse over time because you’re convincing yourself it’s true. Once you reach this stage, it’s common to feel hopeless and unmotivated to attempt to change this.
On the other hand, if you remember the times you’ve succeeded, worked hard or connected with others, you’re convincing yourself that you are good enough. With this kind of thinking, you’re more likely to feel hopeful and motivated, and you give yourself more opportunities to disprove negative core beliefs. The more positive your beliefs are, the more they become confirmed and solidified by you.
Core beliefs make up your self-worth. They:
- Dictate what you can and cannot do (they are your rules) and
- Decide how you interpret the world (they are part of your self-talk).
Changing core beliefs takes a lot of time and effort – but it can be done.
What do core beliefs look like?
A core belief about yourself is centred around an “I” statement. For instance, “I am unlovable.”
A belief such as, “nobody loves me,” is a supporting belief; a prediction about what others will do (or have done) because of the core belief you hold.
If you say: “But it’s true! Nobody does love me!” It may be derived from the negative core belief that you haven’t been able to accept love and be loved. Also, it could be possible that the negative core belief helped others react the way they did, giving the appearance of the belief being true.
A core belief about others, or the world, takes the same format, but about the outside. For example, “People are…” or “The world is…”
Examples of core beliefs and supporting beliefs:
- Core belief: I am bad – Supporting belief: I can’t do anything right
- Core belief: I am smart – Supporting belief: I will succeed if I try
- Core belief: I am unlovable – Supporting belief: Nobody will ever appreciate me
- Core belief: People are untrustworthy – Supporting belief: People will take advantage and hurt me if they have a chance
- Core belief: I need to protect myself – Supporting belief: The world is not safe.
Identifying your core beliefs
You can find your core beliefs by using the Downward Arrow Technique. This involves following each thought down to the very core of where the underlying belief came from.
To begin, think about a common thought you have.
Example:
“I procrastinate too much.”
With this thought, ask yourself: “What does that mean about me?”
The answer should say something about you as a person, like “I’m lazy,” or “I’m scared I will fail.”
Ask yourself, again, “What does that mean about me?”
The answer might be, “I’m weak,” or “I am a failure.”
That might be your core belief, or you can ask again, “What does that mean about me?”
“I’m not good enough.”
Note: If you’re trying to determine your core belief about others, ask yourself: “What does that mean about people/friends/family?” or “What does that mean about the world?”
Once you’ve identified your core issue and one or more unbalanced beliefs, you can begin dialogue with your inner self that works with and protects you from the pain of those beliefs.
The first step is to learn to be aware of your thoughts. Once you recognise that you’re having automatic thoughts in response to your negative core beliefs, you can start to deal with the situation in an adult-style of thinking.
In turn, this helps you understand your core pain, your core issue and to understand the unbalanced beliefs you may have had about yourself.
Awareness of your thoughts
Many people take their thoughts for granted. We’re not taught to think about our thoughts – what they are, and how they differ from feelings.
Feelings are usually identified by one word which describes a sensation or a collection of sensations. For example: ashamed, anxious, guilty, sad, overjoyed, frustrated, furious, etc.
Thoughts are more complex and consist of many more words. They’re your self-talk and describe what’s running through your head. For example: “my partner is neglecting me.”
Some people experience their thoughts as a running commentary inside their heads. Others see them as printed words on a page. Sometimes thoughts take the form of images or moving pictures – like when we have a memory. Memories are a type of thought.
“Automatic thoughts” are the thoughts that pop up instinctively in response to something. For example, when someone cuts you off while you’re driving, an automatic thought might be, “what a jerk!” When you realise you’ve had that thought, you can challenge it, perhaps by thinking, “maybe they just didn’t see me indicating.”
The rules by which we live
Core beliefs are very subjective, meaning they can’t be easily tested or proven. However, we can test the rules that are derived from them. Core beliefs usually result in rules, thus, influencing how we live. Most rules are self-protecting – they’re designed to help us avoid pain, trouble and catastrophe.
If, for example, you believe that you’re a failure, your rules could include the following:
- Never try hard at anything
- Never ask questions or challenge the opinions of others
- Never expect to get ahead
- Never try out for a sports team
- Never quit a job.
You may believe that breaking one of these rules could lead to a catastrophe. For example, questioning if you tried hard and still failed. There would be no escaping direct confrontation with the negative core belief, being, “I am a failure.”
If you believe that you are unworthy, your rules might be to:
- Never ask for anything
- Always work extra hard
- Never say NO to anything
- Always strive to be perfect
- Never admit to a fault or mistake
- Never initiate contact with somebody you like.
According to adolescent thinking, living your life by these rules means you might just manage to avoid a confrontation with the core belief, “I am unworthy.” This type of self-protective rule protects you from feeling pain.
Unfortunately, living by these rules limits our opportunity to prove the core belief as incorrect.
Exercise: Identifying your rules
You can identify your own rules by completing this exercise:
Step 1: Write down your core belief on top of a piece of paper.
Step 2: Read the Basic Rules Checklist, below.
Pick out some of the questions that seem relevant to you and ask them of yourself. Remember to be honest.
- How do I deal with other people’s:
- Anger
- Needs, desires or requests
- Disappointments or sadness
- Withdrawal from you or rejection
- Praise or support
- Criticism
- How do I deal with mistakes?
- How do I handle stress, problems or losses?
- How do I handle taking risks, trying new things and challenges?
- How do I express my:
- Needs
- Feelings
- Opinions
- Anger
- Pain
- Hopes, wishes and dreams
- Limits and saying no.
- How do I ask for support and help?
- How do I manage being:
- Alone
- With strangers
- With friends
- With family.
- How am I at trusting others?
- How do I make friends? Whom do I seek? How do I act?
- How do I deal with children?
- How do I manage my health or illness?
- How am I at maintaining my self-care?
Example:
Let’s say a core belief is “I am worthless.” Here are some supporting questions:
- How I deal with other people’s anger:
- I try to keep the peace
- I stay quiet or withdraw
- How I express my needs:
- I hint rather than ask directly
- I don’t ask for help, but sometimes get passive-aggressive when the other person doesn’t guess what I want
- How I express my opinions:
- I don’t disagree unless it’s someone I know well
- How I express anger:
- I keep it to myself
- How I deal with stress / problems / losses:
- I avoid making decisions
- I procrastinate taking action.
Step 3: Determine what catastrophes could happen if you were to break the rules.
Example:
From the list above, here are some potential catastrophes – things that might happen if I were to break the rule.
| Rule | Catastrophic prediction |
| Keep the peace. | The other person will get angrier. It will be my fault. The relationship will end. |
| Don’t express needs directly. | I will be rejected. I will know my needs are unimportant. |
| Don’t disagree. | I will be wrong. Everyone will know I’m stupid. |
| Don’t express anger. | My feelings will be unacceptable. |
| Don’t make decisions or take action. | I will do the wrong thing or make matters worse. |
So, now you’ve identified your core beliefs.
You’ve also figured out what rules your inner-self has made to protect you from facing that belief.
You’ve acknowledged the fears and catastrophes that these rules are designed to avoid.
So, what comes next?
Exercise: Changing core beliefs
YOU CAN CHANGE A CORE BELIEF
Step 1: First, choose a core belief that you want to change.
Then focus on one of the rules that is dictated by that belief. Our plan is to consciously break that rule and measure the outcome.
Pick a rule that allows you to test the core belief directly. It’s also a good idea to choose a relatively low-fear rule to start off with. You want to warm up to this and not leap straight in.
The outcome of breaking the rule should be measurable. It should have a clear behavioural result, and a subjective feeling. You should also go pick one that you’re immediately able to observe the outcome. Don’t pick a long-term experiment as your first one.
Example:
“Don’t make decisions” would be a good one to test, because it’s the opposite of being powerless. It would be easy to see the outcome and feel any changes that result.
Step 2: Start a prediction log.
In a notebook, write down your rule and what catastrophic outcome could occur by breaking it.
Example:
Rule: Don’t make decisions, don’t take action.
Experiment: When something goes wrong, create a step-by-step plan for how to solve the problem, and immediately take the first step.
Catastrophic outcome: I will do the wrong thing and make it much worse. I will regret my choice. Everyone will think I’m an idiot, and so will I.
Step 3: Script your new behaviour. Visualise what you will do.
Example:
If it involves communication, practice an imaginary test. Act it out with a support person, or alone in front of a mirror. You can even video yourself doing this. Then examine your voice and posture to ensure you’ve got it right. Sounding or looking cold, blaming, acting defensive or acting uncertain may just create undesirable outcome.
Step 4: Do the test. Try out your new behaviour, and collect data on the outcome.
Write your results in the prediction log under a fourth heading. Then write your feelings and thoughts.
Example:
Actual outcome: I followed my steps and figured out the problem. The situation is resolved, perhaps not perfectly, but it was not idiotic.
Personal results: I feel proud, gratified and slightly more confident because I have accomplished this. I think I will be more motivated to take action again.
Step 5: Repeat the test for this rule. Come up with tests for other rules. Record your results.
Step 6: Rewrite your core belief in the form of an affirmation.
If it’s a self-core belief, write in the first person. Keep it simple and short. Then come up with new recommendations to replace the old rules.
Example:
New core beliefs: I am capable. I am worthwhile.
| Old rules | New responses |
| Keep the peace. | I can cope with conflict. |
| Don’t express needs directly. | My needs are as important as anyone else’s. |
| Don’t disagree. | I want to be the kind person who stands up for their beliefs. |
| Don’t express anger. | I can solve problems by expressing my anger in respectful ways. |
| Don’t make decisions or take action. | I have good judgment. I can solve problems. |
Why is this important?
If someone pointed at your hair, claimed it was grass, and then started to laugh out loud at how silly you looked, would you feel hurt?
Probably not.
When you don’t believe you look foolish, you are not affected by what others think. Being aware that their mental image of you is not you gives you immunity to their opinion.
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