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Effective communication

 
 
Effective communication forms the basis of any relationship. It’s something that people tend to take for granted. The amount of energy you put into communicating with someone correlates to the quality of your relationships. 
 

A good communicator: 

  • Is expressive when communicating information; 
  • Is empathic when listening; and 
  • Engages in problem solving. 

Communication skills include: 

  • Verbal and non-verbal behaviours 
  • Motivation/commitment 
  • The ability to manage your own emotions 
  • Mindfulness of self and responsiveness to others. 

Communication skills 

Non-verbal communication 

Non-verbal communication refers to communication without words. This can be both vocal and non-vocal. It means using your facial expression, eyes, the tone or volume of your voice, your posture, gestures, touch, distance/personal space, and even clothing. Non-verbal communication can be confusing — some behaviours can have multiple meanings or be more difficult to interpret. It can also involve individual, cultural or gender differences. Effective Communication: couple chatting to each other in a park after a run

Sending information 

There are three widely discussed communication styles: 

Aggressive: Standing up for one’s own personal rights and expressing thoughts, feelings and beliefs in a way that’s dishonest, usually inappropriate and violates the rights of another person. 

WIN/LOSE interpersonal dynamic. 

Passive: Violating one’s own rights by failing to express honest feelings, thoughts and beliefs and consequently permitting others to violate oneself.  

OR 

Expressing oneself in such an apologetic or self-effacing manner that results in others easily disregarding them. 

LOSE/WIN dynamic. 

Assertive: Standing up for one’s personal rights, as well as expressing thoughts, feelings and beliefs in direct, honest and appropriate ways which don’t violate another person’s rights. 

WIN/WIN dynamic. 

Assertive communication 

As outlined, above, much of our communication is non-verbal. Assertive communication involves body language that conveys openness and receptiveness. 

Ways that you can present yourself to appear assertive include: 

  • Having upright posture 
  • Relaxed body movements 
  • Having a firm and clear tone of voice with appropriate inflection 
  • Making good eye contact with another person 
  • Being aware of personal space. 

Assertive communication is the most effective communication style. It means: 

  • Taking the time to think about what you want to say, ensuring you are conveying the right message 
  • Being willing to express your opinion; not silently sitting back for fear of not being liked 
  • Validating the thoughts and feelings of others without necessarily agreeing with them 
  • Being sincere, honest and direct without being argumentative or threatening 
  • Being open-minded and genuinely willing to understand where the other person is coming from 
  • Knowing it’s okay to disagree or say “no” 
  • Only apologising when it’s truly warranted. 

“I” statements 

Appropriately expressing your needs and feelings is an important part of being assertive. This can be accomplished by using “I” statements. This takes responsibility for your emotions, rather than attributing blame. It’s direct and honest and focuses on behaviour and its effects. “I” statements have three specific elements; behaviour, feelings and consequences. 

An “I” statement can take the form of the following sentence structures: 

“I feel ______ when _______, because ______,” or 
“I feel ______ when you ______, and would prefer ______.” 

Be specific when you’re referencing the other person’s behaviour; use a recent example rather than generalising. Be sure you’re owning your feelings. It helps to remember that everyone is responsible for their own feelings and nothing (or no one) can make you feel a certain way. 

Your tone of voice and body language is also important, just as important as the words. Try to be genuine, calm and open. If you make an “I” statement in a sarcastic way, it will come across as aggressive. 

Examples: 

Blaming/ “You” statement 

  • You’re late again, just like always 
  • You don’t care about me anymore 
  • You said you’d have that report done a week ago. 

“I” statement 

  • I feel frustrated when you run late, because it throws me off schedule, too 
  • I feel lonely when you don’t call me for so long. Can we work something out together? 
  • I am behind on my own work since I don’t have that report yet. 

Listening skills 

Effective listening is an extremely important part of good communication skills. Effective listening involves more than just hearing, it involves fully understanding the other person’s message, and then demonstrating your understanding or asking for clarification. 

It’s helpful to identify and deal with any potential blocks to effective listening. These can include: 

  • Inappropriate timing
  • Lack of interest 
  • History of the relationship 
  • Incompatible goals 
  • Internal or external distractions 
  • Biases or stereotypes 
  • Assumptions or attributions. 

Interpretation does not equal intention. 

When someone sends you a message (by speaking to you), you figure out what it most likely means: you interpret it. However, the way that you interpret it may not be the way the other person meant it. 

Really hearing the person 

A range of things can affect the way you receive the message, such as your perception of the other person, the history of your relationship with each other, or your mood at the time. 

A good example of this is when you’re having an argument with someone when you’re angry. When we’re angry, we often lose sight of our relationship goals and our goals come down to being right or winning an argument, rather than solving the problem. When this happens, it’s easy to misinterpret what the other person is saying (either consciously or unconsciously). 

Effective communication means stepping back from that frame of mind and keeping your wider values and goals as a priority. It involves being aware of your own perceptions and trying to see if your interpretation is correct. This can be as simple as saying something like: “you’re saying that you’re fine, but your tone of voice doesn’t seem to reflect that.” 

Reflecting back what you’ve heard can also help when confirming you’ve interpreted correctly, or when seeking clarification. This is known as active listening. It not only helps with your own understanding of the situation, but it also helps the other person to feel heard and validated. 

Steps to active listening 

  1. Preparation 
  • Focus on the other person; motivate yourself to be attentive 
  • Identify and deal with distractions 
  • Choose an appropriate time and place 
  • Gather information. 
  1. Attending skills 
  • Use non-verbal behaviours that communicate interest, like: 
  • Facial expression (alert, smiling) 
  • Gestures (nodding) 
  • Posture (alert and involved) 
  • Eye contact 
  • Proximity. 
  1. Following skills 
  • Encourage the speaker to continue 
  • Maintain an attentive silence 
  • Use minimal encouragers (nod, smile, say “mhmm,” or “go on,” etc) 
  • Open question (“what was that like?” or “and then what?”). 
  1. Reflection skills 
  • These are used to communicate your understanding, to gain more understanding, and can help clarify the situation for the speaker, as well 
  • It involves paraphrasing, in your own words, what has been said and/or the dominant emotions involved, like: 
  • “As I understand it, you think…” 
  • “So, what you’re saying is…” 
  • “It seems you’re feeling…” 
  • Example: 
  • Person A: “My supervisor keeps asking me questions about my personal life. I wish she’d mind her own business.” 
  • Person B: “You feel annoyed that she won’t respect your privacy.” 
  1. Ask questions, as they: 
  • Can help you understand the problem 
  • Prompt the speaker to explore their own thoughts about the issue 
  • Can be used to seek elaboration, specific detail, or clarify and check your understanding. 
    Note: When asking questions, be sensitive and avoid bombarding, grilling or asking “why” (which can put the speaker on the defensive). 

In summary / some quick tips 

  • Genuinely hear what the other person is saying and demonstrate this with non-verbal behaviours 
  • Accept the other person’s feelings and beliefs, whatever they may be 
  • Check out that you have heard or interpreted the other person correctly 
  • Try to understand the other person’s perspective by putting yourself in their shoes 
  • Stand up for your own rights and needs while respecting those of others 
  • Own your feelings. 

Still need help? 

Do you need some help with your relationship or increasing relationship and communication skills? Anglicare Southern Queensland provides a range of support and services for individuals, groups, couples and families. To learn more about our Family and Relationship Counselling Services, click here. 

 
 
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