What constitutes an affair?
Infidelity can mean many things to many people. Traditionally, an affair was a term used to refer to any sexual or romantic relationship outside of the relationship a person had previously committed faithfulness to. However, it can also apply to chatting to people online (in a sexual or romantic manner), connecting with someone else on an emotional level, engaging in porn or actively using dating apps.
Infidelity can also occur in open or polyamorous relationships. All relationships have explicit and implicit boundaries and when these boundaries are crossed, a promise is broken.
Infidelity can have many references and connotations. An affair, or infidelity, can include the following features:
- A secretive relationship
- An emotional connection
- Sexual attraction.
Secrecy is a key factor in infidelity. If an emotional and/or sexual attraction exists with another person (outside of the relationship), and these factors are withheld from the other partner, this constitutes an affair.
People who ‘cheat’
Infidelity is a common issue in relationships. It’s important to remember that not all people who’ve had an affair are pathological cheaters or liars, nor do they lack morals.
Some people who have affairs believe in monogamy at the start of their relationship. They tend to believe that relationships are built on trust and respect. While they may have remained faithful for a long time, they usually find themselves, later, experiencing conflict between their strong values and choosing to have an affair.
The function of the affair
People who’ve had affairs are often asked the following questions:
- What was the function of the affair?
- What purpose did it serve?
- What did it mean for you?
- What were you seeking?
- What did it provide you?
These questions help researchers, counsellors and the other partner to understand if it was caused by a loss or unfulfilled longing. Many people who commit infidelity experience a lack of emotional connection or miss feeling young, independent, powerful or having a strong sense of identity. They believe that having an affair will bring back the part of them that feels lost.
Ultimately, an affair is a betrayal for the other partner. These questions can bring up a range of emotions. However, seeking to understand the function of the affair is a necessary step for healing.
How do couples heal from an affair?
Sometimes it can feel impossible for couples to recover from an affair, and for many this happens to be true. An affair can result in deep disconnection in a relationship, which can no longer be repaired. Though, for some couples, affairs can bring light to issues that can be explored and resolved. However, willingness from both parties is needed for them to recover.
Some couples stay together after an affair. A couple who explores how they got to this point with genuine openness, vulnerability and willingness to listen are more likely to recover than ones who avoid talking about it.
Seeing what an affair can give couples who stay together
Couples who stay together, following an affair, tend to have more open and honest conversations. Their style of communication may improve as they’re able to share their thoughts, needs and feelings.
Ironically, couples who’ve been through this experience may be able to rekindle feelings of lust in their relationship. For the person who committed infidelity, the fear of loss can be a catalyst for desire for the other person. Whereas, for the betrayed half, knowing that their partner was desired by another can reopen their eyes to facets of their sexuality.
However, many couples don’t make it to this point. Often the hurt is too great to allow for open-minded exploration into what remains of the relationship.
What can couples do if they wish to stay together?
So, let’s take a step back. The affair has been discovered. The initial hurt has been expressed and the dominant question is: what now? Is this relationship over? Is it possible for us to heal from the betrayal?
For the unfaithful party
If we look at infidelity as a form of trauma, which much of the literature does, we know that the first step towards healing is for the offending person to accept responsibility for their actions and acknowledge their wrongdoing. For the person who had the affair, this means two things.
The first is for them to end that outside relationship and cease all contact with the other party (or parties), immediately. It’s up to them to commit wholeheartedly to repairing their bond with the person who was betrayed and proving that this relationship is their highest priority. If it’s not possible to completely cease contact (for example, if the affair was with a work colleague), then new and very firm boundaries need to be redrawn, and this should be demonstrated to the betrayed partner.
Secondly, the unfaithful partner must demonstrate remorse. Most people will feel guilt, shame and remorse for causing pain to their partner. Some people express this more easily than others. While some people regret causing pain to their partner, they may not necessarily regret the experience of the affair itself.
While difficult, the person who had the affair needs to let go of their affair and redefine their boundaries. It’s important for them to be responsible for addressing this and be as open as possible in their conversations with the person they betrayed. If they are open about their affair, the other person is less likely to be obsessive about the details and this helps to rebuild trust in the relationship.
For the betrayed party
For the betrayed partner, it’s important for them to rebuild their self-acceptance and self-worth. To work towards healing and growth, they’ll need to focus on caring for themselves. This can be achieved through:
- Showing love and kindness towards themselves
- Encouraging themselves to do things they would encourage others to do
- Practicing self-care (i.e. sleep hygiene, eating well, exercising and participating in joyful activities).
If you’re the betrayed party, it’s important to remember that when conversations do come up about the affair that the conscious intention and the focus is on these being healthy and healing in nature.
You might feel an urgent curiosity about the affair, an urge to seek details about it. This is a natural reaction. While your brain demands the answers to your questions, it could only inflict more pain. The answers might drive you further apart, and deeper into uncertainty and loneliness. The responses may cause your mind to replay certain phrases and create explicit visions that will keep you awake at night, making it harder for you to reconnect with your partner.
Asking yourself questions
As humans, for all our evolution, our brain’s base manner of learning and seeking safety often only drives anxiety and depression. Fortunately, our learnings from research, science and psychology have given us the evidence to know what these initial questions are really seeking to answer. That is:
- How can I feel safe again?
- What can I do to prevent this happening again?
- What can we do to fix this?
And there are better questions to ask to answer our dilemmas.
If you feel the urge to ask any of these questions, pause and consider what it is you really want to know regarding the details. If you’ve already asked some of them, or already know some of those answers, pause again, and ask yourself if what you know has been helpful to you.
You might find that what you really want to know is what it was that resulted in your partner making the decision to be unfaithful. What was it that you both could have done differently? How could each of you have prevented this outcome?
Once you’ve considered your reasons for wanting certain answers, with logical responsiveness rather than emotional reactivity, you can direct your questions with more meaning. If your aim is to heal your relationship, you can focus your questions to get far more helpful responses. They’ll give you the meaning and the motives you’re searching for.
What to ask?
Questions seeking meaning and motive might include:
- What did this affair mean for you?
- What did you experience with the other person that you don’t experience with me?
Questions answering your partner’s feelings might be:
- What was it like for you?
- What did it give you, and what did it take away?
- What did you think and feel when you came home to me?
- How do you feel about it coming out, about those parts of it being over?
Looking towards the future questions and where to from here might be:
- What is it about us, and our relationship, that you value?
- What would you like to happen now?
- What could we both do to make that happen?
What next?
It goes both ways. You can ask each other such questions and use the answers to redefine your relationship with each other, to set new boundaries and goals to establish new circumstances where both your needs, desires, expectations and hopes are met. Be verbally and emotionally intimate in a new way. Encourage each other to be specific.
Getting help
Talking things through with a counsellor can provide an unbiased third party to assist you in working through emotionally challenging topics. If you’re in Brisbane, our Family and Relationship Support services may be one option. To speak to our team, call 1300 114 397.