In relationships, genuine intimacy requires communication, honesty, vulnerability and reciprocity. Over time, we can become more intimate with someone as we share more of ourselves with them.
Intimacy often grows naturally in relationships, especially in the early stages. To sustain a long-term relationship, we need to develop and maintain an awareness of ourselves, our partner and the relationship. To continue growing closer to each other, we need to engage in various forms of it — and there are a few forms.
People have different preferred styles of intimacy and different ways of expressing them. We aren’t always consciously aware of the styles of intimacy even when we’re expressing them.
In long-term relationships, it’s not uncommon for individuals to feel their intimacy requirements aren’t being met. Therefore, it’s important to understand the ways that the other person prefers to express their love and care.
Comparing styles
Below is a list of the different intimacy styles. To understand what your preferred style might be and your partner’s, have a look and be sure to note what you think they might be.
Once you’ve looked at this list, it might be helpful to have a conversation with your partner to acknowledge the different ways you each express your love and closeness to each other.
The different types
Emotional intimacy
This style involves sharing a range of positive and negative feelings in an open and trusting manner, without fear of judgement or rejection. It requires a certain amount of willingness to be vulnerable.
Physical intimacy
Delighting in being sensual, playful and sensitive in sexual intimacy that is joyful and fulfilling for you both. Being physically intimate also includes being physically affectionate. Touching, holding hands, hugging, snuggling, kissing, caressing and being comfortable within each other’s personal space.
Cognitive intimacy
Being open and transparent with your thoughts, expectations, dreams, beliefs and ideas in a comfortable way. Being willing to hear the thoughts of your partner while being open-minded, collaborative, respectful and caring, as needed.
Intellectual intimacy
Sharing ideas, or talking about issues, while connecting with each other’s interests. Celebrating differences. Hotly debating opinions and still respecting each other’s beliefs and views.
Spiritual intimacy
This involves discussing how spirituality works in each other’s lives while respecting one another’s spiritual needs and beliefs.
Conflict intimacy
Being able to work through differences, fairly. This type involves a willingness to listen as much as you talk while reaching solutions that are broadly and mutually satisfactory and recognising that perfect solutions are rarely part of human life. Negotiation and compromise are key factors to ensuring everyone wins.
Work intimacy
This is about being able to agree on ways to share the common load of tasks within the home, earning in your living(s) and pursuing other mutually agreeable goals. It’s also about sharing stories and work experiences with each other, debriefing after work and supporting each other.
Parenting intimacy
If you have children, parenting intimacy is about shared ways of being supportive to each other while enabling your children to grow and become separate individuals. Working together to figure out a parenting style that effectively melds the ways you’ve learnt to be parents.
Crisis intimacy
Standing together in times of crisis, both external and internal to your relationship. Always being available to offer support and understanding, and in turn, leaning on your partner when you need support.
Aesthetic intimacy
Delighting together in beauty, music, art, nature and a whole range of aesthetic experiences. Being prepared to support the other’s enjoyment of different aesthetic pleasures.
Play intimacy
Having fun together, through recreation, relaxation or humour. Letting go, and being silly with each other, in whatever style you prefer.
Giving intimacy
This style is expressed through providing gifts, doing small favours, and giving practical assistance where needed, or is thought to be appreciated. It involves trying to predict the little things that will make your partner happy.
Need support in your relationship?
Need support in your relationship(s)? Anglicare Southern Queensland provides a range of family and relationship counselling services to individuals, groups, couples and families to strengthen relationships with a focus on respect and achieving family and relationship goals. Click here for more information.