A general rule of thumb is to ‘look through your child(ren)’s eyes’ and be mindful of how changes could be experienced by them. By keeping your child(ren) front of mind, you’re allowing them to be your priority and to feel that your relationship with them is safe and secure. By doing this, you’ll help reduce feelings of insecurity for your child and reduce challenging feelings and behaviours that could result from changes to family dynamics.
Knowing when it’s the right time for introductions
Before a new partner is introduced to the family, some children might need some time to process and accept their parents’ separation. Therefore, it’s important not to introduce them to a new partner until they’ve had this opportunity.
While you might date a few people before committing to a serious relationship, it’s recommended that you don’t introduce your child(ren) to short-term partners. This can be confusing, upsetting and difficult for children to understand, and may cause them to feel unsettled and insecure. Ideally, wait until you and your partner have decided that you’re in a committed relationship before introducing your children to them.
Before the first meeting
Before the introduction, start talking to your child(ren) about your partner in a way that’s sensitive to them, by keeping in mind their age and how they experienced the separation.
It’s important to be honest about your relationship with your new partner and explain it to them in an age-appropriate way. Using terms such as ‘friend’ may confuse children as they’re observant and may notice the relationship is different to other friends you have. It’s important to model to children the difference between a friendship and romantic relationship.
Leading up to the first meeting, it may be a good idea to tell the co-parent about your intentions. When telling your co-parent, keep the conversation matter of fact. Any information you disclose should relate to the best interests of the child.
Keeping your co-parent in the loop shows that, regardless of what might have happened in the past, you’re respectful of their rights concerning the child(ren). It may help to prevent conflict that could arise if they hear about your relationship from your child(ren) or others.
Have a discussion, ahead of time, with your new partner about the introduction, including how you’d like it to go, how it might go and how each child might react, things to/not do and say.
The first meeting
The first meeting between your child(ren) and new partner should be casual and centred around a child friendly activity. This can allow opportunities for everyone to get to know each other at their own pace in a less direct and confronting way. You could take a trip to the park and have a picnic.
Remember to always try to ‘look through your child’s eyes’ and be aware of how this introduction will be experienced by them.
Be mindful not to show too much physical attention to your partner in front of your child(ren), this can occur gradually over time as they have had time to adjust to your new partner.
Other things to keep in mind may include:
- Follow your child’s lead regarding their comfort level when meeting your new partner and support them where they’re at
- Support your child to interact with your new partner in a way that they’re comfortable with
- Be aware of your own expectations and manage any feelings of disappointment or frustration or upset, so that you can remain present and focus on supporting your child through this time.
Be sensitive
Many myths exist about stepparents and it’s easy to assume that your children are going to react negatively. While your children may be happy you’ve found someone else, they may also struggle with the impact that this will have on their relationship with you.
If you have been single for a while, they may be used to having you to themselves. Feelings of jealousy are natural. Your child(ren) will need reassurance that nothing will impact the relationship you have with them.
As your relationship with your new partner develops, make sure that you’re still giving plenty of time to your child(ren). It’s important for them to know they’re your number one priority. Take the time to listen to your children’s fears and concerns. Use reflective responding (mirroring back to them the things they have said) to ensure that they feel validated and heard.
It’s important to be aware that children may feel they’re betraying the other parent when they meet, spend time with, talk to or like the new partner. Both parents need to be aware of this and be sensitive to their child if they’re experiencing these conflicting feelings. Reassure them that spending time with a new partner will not change your relationship with them.
Moving in as a blended family
Your alone time with your children should always remain a priority. If you and your new partner decide to move in together, as a blended family, make sure your children are involved in any decisions. If you’re moving into a new place, let them make the decisions about decorating rooms that will be theirs. This gives them a sense of belonging in both the home and relationship and gives them a sense of age-appropriate control over a situation that’s a significant change in their lives.
If the relationship allows, discuss the move with your co-parent, first.
Moving forward together as a blended family
Children may view a new partner as untrustworthy and with jealousy if they feel left out of plans. Make sure they’re involved in family decisions by asking them for their opinions, preferences or concerns. Regardless of how unreasonable your child might get, it’s important to remain calm and see their point of view.
Blended families can work. However, they’re complex and need special care and attention. You and your partner need to discuss, openly and honestly, the challenges that your new relationship will bring.
If your partner has any feedback to give your child(ren), they should do this through you. It can take some time before children feel comfortable being “parented” by a newcomer to their family.
If you left your partner for someone else
Blending families works a bit differently if you decide to leave your previous partner to be with someone else. You may need to reassure your children that the new partner is not the cause of the relationship breakdown. It’s important to do this in an honest, age appropriate and sensitive way.
Still need help?
We provide a range of counselling and support services for individuals, groups and families. Our services strengthen and improve relationships with a focus on respect and achieving family and relationship goals. For more information or resources on this topic, please visit our Family and Relationship Counselling page or call 1300 114 392 to speak with our team.