Steps for resolving conflict
It can be helpful to think of real-life situations to help you understand what is meant by ‘assertiveness.’
Let’s look at this example:
You’ve been attending a weekly support group with a friend. You’ve been driving them to the meetings, but in the last few days they’ve not been ready when you come to pick them up. Their tardiness has resulted in both of you being late for these meetings. Because you value being on time, this is something that is bothering you.
Now let’s look at how you might deal with this situation using the Conflict Resolution Model.
Step 1:
The first step involves identifying the problem that’s causing the conflict. It’s important to be specific when identifying the problem. In this example, the problem causing the conflict is that your friend is late.
Step 2:
The second step involves identifying the feelings associated with the conflict. In this example, you may feel annoyance, frustration, or taken for granted.
Step 3:
Thirdly, you should identify the specific impact that of the problem that’s causing the conflict. In this example, the impact or outcome is that you’re now running late for the meeting.
Step 4:
The fourth step involves deciding whether you should resolve the conflict or let it go. Try to consider the feelings and consequences that both could bring.
If you decide that the conflict is important enough, then the fifth step is necessary.
Step 5:
Address and work towards resolving the conflict. For the provided example, this may involve checking out the schedule of the other person. The schedule is important because you might bring up the conflict when the other person does not have the time to address it or when he or she may be preoccupied with another issue. Once you have agreed on a time with the person, you can describe the conflict, your feelings, and the impact of the conflict and ask for a resolution.
For example, the interaction may sound like this:
Joe: Hey, Frank, sorry I’m late.
Frank: Hi, Joe. Can I talk to you about that?
Joe: Sure. Is something wrong?
Frank: Joe, I’ve noticed you’ve been late for the last few days when I’ve come to pick you up. Today, I realised that I was starting to feel frustrated, and a bit taken for granted. When you are late, we are both late for the meeting, which makes me uncomfortable. I like to be on time. I’m wondering if you can try to be on time in the future.
Joe: Frank, I didn’t realise how bothered you were about that. I apologise for being late, and I will be on time in the future. I’m glad you brought this problem up to me.
This is an idealised version of an outcome that may be achieved with the Conflict Resolution Model. Joe could have responded unfavourably, or defensively, by accusing Frank of making a big deal out of nothing. Joe may have minimized and discounted Frank’s feelings, leaving the conflict unresolved.
Conflict Resolution Model
The Conflict Resolution Model is useful even when conflicts are not resolved. Many times, you’ll feel better about trying to resolve a conflict in an assertive manner rather than acting passively or aggressively. Specifically, you may feel that you have done all that you could do to resolve the conflict. In this example, if Frank decided not to give Joe a ride in the future, or if Frank decided to end his friendship with Joe, he could do so knowing that he first tried to resolve the conflict in an assertive manner.
Resolving conflict: the steps
Here are some steps that you may consider for resolving conflict in your life:
- Identify the problem that’s causing the conflict
- Identify the feelings that are associated with the conflict
- Identify the impact of the problem that’s causing conflict
- Decide whether to resolve the conflict
- Work for resolution of the conflict
a) How would you like to see the problem resolved?
b) Is a compromise needed?
Still need help?
Access Anglicare Southern Queensland’s Family and Relationship Counselling service, Living Without Violence (group program for men), or Prepare and Enrich programs (relationship education program) if you think you would benefit from some counselling or support around this issue.