Separation and divorce

Understanding the impact of family separation or divorce on your child is important in helping them to cope. For children and adolescents, the processes of experiencing their parents’ separation, of learning to alternate between households, and of potentially moving schools or neighbourhoods can be very unsettling.

Children’s reactions to family separation & divorce

Most children find the separation of their parents a difficult and stressful time. In some cases, there may have been a long period of tension and conflict before the parent’s separation so there may have been some warning. For others, the parent’s decision to separate may come as a complete surprise, with children having been unaware of the problems their parents were having. Whatever the situation, the decision to separate will result in major changes including new living and contact arrangements for everyone in the family.

Common reactions

Some common fears and worries expressed by children whose parents are going through separation or divorce include:

Fears of abandonment − For example, “Mum/Dad might stop loving me like she/he stopped loving dad/mum.”
Self blame − For example, “It’s my fault that mum and dad have separated. If only I had behaved better, they wouldn’t have split up.”
Worries about the stresses of living in single parent families − For example, “Where will we live? Will I have my own room?”

Children are often not able to express their fears and worries in words as adults can. Often a child’s behaviour is a clue to what their inner thoughts and feelings are. For example, a young child who is feeling left out and angry may express themselves by hitting another child. Understanding the feeling behind their behaviour can help with finding the solution to it.

Sometimes children appear to be coping with things but then appear to go backwards and difficult behaviours emerge. This may be because the implications of the separation are becoming clearer to them and they are going through some stages of grief. Children can grieve for quite a long time following their parents’ separation.

Age differences

Children respond differently at different stages of development. An important part of understanding children’s reactions is understanding their stage of development.

Infants

(0-18 months)

Issues

Consistency of caregivers, environment and routine.
Emotional connection with caregiver.
Dependence on caregiver for basic needs.
Nurturing and love.
No sense of time to understand separations.

What to watch for

Sleeping changes.
Eating changes.
Clingy behaviour/difficulty separating/poor response to soothing.

What you can do to help

Maintain consistency in people and routines.
Change routines very gradually.
Avoid angry expressions and emotional outbursts in front of the baby.
Don’t fight in front of the baby.
Frequent contact with each parent to maintain relationships.

Toddlers

(18 months-3 years)

Issues

Consistency of caregivers, environment and routine.
Fear absent parent has disappeared.
Nurturing and love.
Concern about security (who will take care of me?).

What to watch for

Increased crying.
Trouble getting to sleep/nightmares.
Demanding to be fed by parent instead of feeding self.
Changes in toilet habits.
Increased anger (temper tantrums, hitting, etc).
Clinging to adults or security objects.

What you can do to help

Give love and affection.
Provide verbal assurances (mum and dad both say “I love you”).
Maintain consistency of people and routines.
Reassure the child that he/she will always be cared for.
Provide clear and concrete explanation of changes.
Provide opportunities for the child to express feelings through words or play.
Avoid angry expressions or emotional outbursts in front of the child.
Don’t fight in front of the child.

Pre-schoolers

(3-5 years)

Issues

Fear of being abandoned/rejected.
Doubts he/she is lovable (did mummy/daddy leave because I’m not good enough?)
Blame themselves for what happened (did I cause this because I was bad?)
Limited understanding of world (egocentric, magical thinking).

What to watch for

Regression in sleeping/eating/talking.
Clingy behaviour/difficulty with separation.
Increased anger or disruptive behaviour (maybe hyperactivity).
Increased passivity (overly compliant).

What you can do to help

Give love and affection.
Be there for your children.
Provide verbal assurances (mum and dad both say “I love you”).
Maintain consistency of people and routines.
Reassure the child that he/she will always be cared for.
Provide clear and concrete explanation of changes.
Provide opportunities for the child to express feelings through words or play.
Avoid angry expressions or emotional outbursts in front of the child.
Don’t fight in front of the child.

Young school age children

(6-8 years)

Issues

Yearning for absent parent.
Fantasies about parents getting back together.
Loyalty conflicts.
Concern about parent’s well-being.
Guilt that they are responsible for the separation.
May try to distract parents fighting by own aggressive behaviour.

What to watch for

Sadness, grief, crying, sobbing withdrawal.
Fear of losing relationship with parent.
Fear of losing order in their lives.
Feelings of being deprived.
Anger and increased aggression (including hyperactivity).
Difficulty playing and experiencing pleasure.

What you can do to help

Provide verbal assurances (mum and dad will continue to take care of them).
Assure them that they will continue to see both parents (if that is the case).
Give child permission to love other parent.
Don’t criticise the other parent to the child.
Don’t put the child ‘in the middle’.

Older school age children

(9-12 years)

Issues

May see things as black and white: one parent is right, the other is wrong.
May feel shame or embarrassment about parent’s separation.
May feel the separation threatens their own identity.
May feel need to overcome a sense of powerlessness.
May feel loyalty conflicts.

What to watch for

Physical complaints (headache, fatigue, stomach ache).
Intense anger, especially at parent they see as to blame.
Alignment with one parent against the other.
Difficulty with peers, poor school performance.
Difficulty playing and experiencing pleasure.

What you can do to help

Listen to the child’s feelings and complaints without taking sides or judging.
Don’t criticise the other parent to the child.
Encourage the child to see good in the other parent.
Don’t fight in front of the child.
Say positive things about the other parent occasionally.
Don’t pressure the child to take sides.
Support the child’s contact with the other parent (if this is possible).

Adolescents

(13-18 years)

Issues

May be distressed if parents are unable to provide needed support and limits.
Already stormy relationship with parent may be intensified.
Premature or accelerated independence.
May be asked to assume responsibilities at home that pull them away from peers.

What to watch for

School problems, difficulty concentrating, fatigue, etc.
Acting out emotional distress through sex, drugs, petty crime.
Internalising emotional distress: depression.
Anxiety over intimate relationships.
Grief over loss of family and childhood.
Becoming distant and aloof from family.

What you can do to help

Provide opportunities for adolescents to share feelings, concerns, complaints.
Discuss issues and situations honestly.
Avoid relying on adolescents for emotional support.
Don’t pressure adolescents to choose sides.
Say positive things about the other parent occasionally.
Allow adolescents to have appropriate friendship and peer activities.

Stages of grief

Like adults, children experience periods of loss and grief. The “Stages of grief” model, while often misunderstood, can be helpful in recognising certain reactions to any kind of loss. When their parents are separating, children may experience the following at different times:

Denial – Mum and Dad will get back together again.
Anger – How can they do this to me? They’ve betrayed me. If they really loved me, they would stay together.
Bargaining – If I am really good, maybe they will get back together again.
Depression – I feel empty inside and nothing can make it go away.
Acceptance – Mum and Dad are not going to get back together. It’s okay that my friends know that my parents aren’t together any more.

Again, like adults, children may not experience these stages in any particular order, or they may bounce between some stages and skip other stages altogether. The processes vary from child to child.

There have been increasing amounts of research in Australia and overseas into the effects of family separation on children. Although there is little doubt that the experience is stressful, it is also clear that the majority of children from divorced families are emotionally well adjusted. While children report that the experience of divorce and the years following it are painful periods in their lives, they do manage to survive these times and go on to lead normal lives. Family separation can be a better alternative than continuing to live in an intact family where there are high levels of tension and conflict.

Children’s needs

So… what helps children to deal with separation? What children need depends largely on their age, but there are some things all children, regardless of age, need:

Protection from parental conflict.
A secure emotional base.
Help to solve their problems.
Firm and reasonable limits to be safely independent.
A trusted parent when they need to be dependent.
Encouragement to learn.
Routines that help them feel in control.
Protection from trauma.
Protection from parental stress about ongoing unresolved issues with ex-partners.

What you can do

Offer structure

Stick to a daily routine with your child. Make changes slowly and with much discussion, and reassurance. Encourage your child to interact with friends and have a normal life. Try to keep your child’s environment as stable as possible. It is not a good idea to make too many changes at one time.

Example: Your child may be adjusting to having only one parent at home every night. Moving into a new home or going to a new school may be too much for him or her at the same time.

Maintain rituals around birthdays, holidays etc. This helps provide a sense of security and helps your children plan and look forward to family events.

Help children feel free to ask questions. Tell them about changes well ahead of time. Children want to know what is going on in their lives. Encourage your children to be involved in school activities, sports, afterschool programs etc.

Talk to your children honestly about changes or moves that will affect them, before they happen.

Encourage the expression of feeling and acknowledge it.

During this time, children may feel sad, scared, and lonely. Helping them express their feelings allows children to feel they are entitled to have feelings. You could say something like, “It makes sense to me that you would be feeling scared. There are a lot of changes taking place.” Then reassure them you will always be there to love them and take care of them. When you acknowledge your child’s feelings, you are letting them know that you realise how they are feeling, and that it is okay.

Allow for grief

Like you, children are grieving the loss of the family as they have known it. Many of their feelings of anger and confusion are like the feelings you are experiencing yourself.

In their grief, children may express feelings of anger towards you. Try not to take them personally; your child is just trying to make sense of the separation. When your child is upset, you could try to use “mirroring.” Mirroring is simply stating back what your child has just said.

For example, “I hate you Mummy/Daddy. You made Daddy/Mummy leave.”

You can mirror this back: “Right now you feel like you hate me because you think I made Mummy/Daddy leave. I still care about and love Mummy/Daddy, we just can’t live together anymore. Later you may understand what can happen between adults.”

Mirroring can help a child to feel heard.

Offer reassurances

Your children need reassurance now more than ever. Children need to hear, over and over, that you love them unconditionally. You may want to explain to them that while the love adults have for one another can change, the love a parent has for a child can never change. Parent/child love is different from parent/parent love because a parent loves a child forever.

Assure your child that the separation was not his or her fault. Tell him or her it is okay to feel sad about the changes. Avoid making your children take sides. Some children may feel guilty for having a good time with the other parent.

Set limits on behaviours

Children need limits. They need a stable, predictable environment with clear rules and a parent they can depend on to be predictable about the limits.

Give your children duties and responsibilities. Children who have chores appropriate to their ages and abilities are better able to adjust to change. Sometimes parents do not want to have their children do chores because the children feel bad enough already about the separation. Children need to know they have limits. Sometimes they test these limits. However, in maintaining limits you are helping them feel secure.

Protect children from witnessing arguments between you and the other parent

It is essential that you protect your children from witnessing arguments between you and your partner. If you are experiencing strong feelings about the separation, you may wish to find a support group or a counsellor who can help you work through your feelings away from your children.

When to get professional help for your children

It is time to seek professional help when:

A child’s distress and problems are constant and chronic.
A child’s symptoms get worse rather than better over time.
You feel unable to cope with your child.

If you would like further advice or support, or some supportive counselling for your child, please get in touch with our Family and Relationship Services (Brisbane), Operation Kinder Community (Riverview) or Early Parent Centre (Inala).

Sources

Parenting After Separation for Your Child’s Future: A Handbook for Parents.
APS Literature Review on Parenting After Separation by Susie Burke, Jennifer McIntosh and Heather Gridley.

Children’s reactions to family separation & divorce

Common reactions

Age differences

Infants

Toddlers

Pre-schoolers

Young school age children

Older school age children

Adolescents

Stages of grief

Children’s needs

What you can do

Offer structure

Encourage the expression of feeling and acknowledge it.

Allow for grief

Offer reassurances

Set limits on behaviours

Protect children from witnessing arguments between you and the other parent

When to get professional help for your children

Suggested reading for parents

Suggested reading for children

Sources