Often, the grief that comes from a relationship breakdown stems from the things that made the relationship good, or the hope and plans for what could have been. People can also grieve the lost sense of the family unit and not seeing their children as regularly.
The pain of this experience can be overwhelming and cause undesirable thoughts. However, it’s important to never act on undesirable thoughts in the heat of the moment. Our feelings change as we accept the reality of our loss and we allow ourselves to grieve, access support, look for lessons and overcome the barriers to reinvesting in life.
Coping with separation
There are many ways to cope with separation. To accept the end of a relationship, it’s necessary to experience the pain while establishing healthy boundaries so that you can maintain control over your life. For those experiencing a relationship breakdown, it could be tempting to want to spend time with, or seek physical affection from, the ex-partner. However, this can blur boundaries and make the separation process more complicated.
Some couples who go through a separation wish to remain friends with their ex-partner. This is possible, but it’s important that each person tries to re-establish themselves as an individual and maintain healthy boundaries with the other person.
When a relationship ends in a negative manner, it’s not uncommon for couples to continue disputing, even long after the separation. While it may feel easier to blame the other person as the cause of the relationship breakdown, it’s important not to point blame and remember that each person is responsible for their own behaviour and the amount of love they put into the relationship.
Moving on after a relationship breakdown
Here are some strategies to help you during a relationship breakdown.
- Give yourself plenty of time. It’s hard to say how much time you’ll need, as everyone (and every relationship) is different. For some people it could be a couple of months, others it can be years. Only you will know what feels right.
- Try positive visualisation. This can be done by visualising (in detail) what things could be like for you if you moved on. Then try living your life like how you visualise it to be.
- Prioritise self-care. This is necessary for improving your health, resilience and mental wellbeing. Focus on a healthy diet, daily exercise, getting enough sleep, relaxing and participating in enjoyable and meaningful activities.
- Plan your days so you have some activity to divert from any feelings of grief, sadness or anxiety related to the relationship breakdown.
- Do not use your ex-partner as a support person. While you might have supported each other previously, it will make the separation process more difficult if you are relying on one another during the breakup.
- Talk to someone to express your feelings and get support.
- Take up a new activity that is interesting.
Needs of people who are grieving
When you’re grieving the end of a relationship, you might notice that your need for companionship will increase. You may also need someone to talk to, and the opinions and understanding of people you trust. For those going through the grieving process, you may also notice that you’re spending time reminiscing on the moments you had with your ex-partner.
The emotional stages of separation
Although physical separation may happen quickly, emotions may change slowly over months and years. Most separated and divorced people gradually pass through these basic stages of separation.
1. Continued connection
In the beginning, you might not be able to face the reality of your separation, thus denying that your relationship is over. This may cause you to avoid processing any feelings you have. This a defence mechanism to protect you from feeling lonely, depressed or rejected.
Some people will experience feeling withdrawn and isolated, while others will use the opportunity to become highly active.
2. Breaking away
You will start to accept the relationship breakdown. This may bring up feelings of anger or continued feelings of grief and fear. These emotions can be draining.
3. Starting again
As time passes, you’ll begin to feel better and more able to focus on the future. You’ll also be more capable of adjusting to personal, social and sexual changes. During this phase you might also begin to take up new opportunities and embrace new friendships.
Note: the process is different for everyone. Process changes in ways that feels right for you.
Challenges and solutions
Coping with a relationship breakdown brings people into situations that may be completely new to them. Some of the challenges you may face include the following:
Learning to live alone
Being on one’s own can be demanding. Especially after years of being in a relationship. Activities may seem meaningless or boring, and there may be too much work for one person. It’s easy to feel isolated.
Some solutions
Here are some solutions to help with living alone:
- Keep in touch with friends and family
- Reconnect with people you haven’t seen in a while
- Share meals with others
- Visit people and invite them over
- Plan activities with friends and family
- Join a support group
- Seek counselling
- Pursue interests
- Volunteer.
Bringing up children alone
Being on your own often leaves less time for the children, just when they need more attention and affection. Adjustments in family life may be needed.
Some solutions
To help you manage bringing up children on your own, you might benefit from asking people you know and trust to help with childcare or offer to take turns caring for their children. If you’re feeling challenged, don’t be afraid to call on your family or ex-partner to help with your children.
Other solutions:
- Find daycare services in your community. You may be eligible for a sole parent rebate on taxation
- If you’re trying to work out how parenting with your ex-partner works, read our article on: Parenting with your ex-partner
- Join a support group or seek family counselling. These are not new issues, and you’re not alone. There is support and advice out there.
Managing the home on your own
Household responsibilities can be a burden for one adult. You may need to relax your standards and find alternatives to regular routines. Some household jobs may not be essential, and others may be done less often.
Some solutions
Have the children help with household jobs, and care for their own rooms and possessions. Draw up a roster for other chores and try out a reward system.
Additionally, if you have a family member or friend who’s looking for a place to stay, consider having them join you at home to help share living costs and household responsibilities. They might also offer great companionship during this transition.
The relationship breakdown grief curve
Still need help?
Relationships play a significant role in our lives, including our general and emotional wellbeing. Our services are designed to support the mental health and wellbeing of individuals, groups and families at every stage of the relationship cycle. For more information on coping with a relationship breakdown, visit our counselling services page on our website or call 1300 114 397 for chat to our friendly, supportive team.